Behind the Mask

I was pushing my cart through the aisles of the grocery store last night when, unexpectedly, my heart burned with a heavy sorrow. A little girl walked by, hand tucked inside the large hand of her daddy. Our eyes met for a split second, then they turned a corner and she disappeared.

I have no possible way of knowing what truths were hiding behind her big blue eyes. I could only hope her life was one of joy and happiness. Still... I know the unfortunate reality that this is not the case for so many.

Abuse is everywhere. Try as we might to stop it, it continues to exist. What breaks my heart is that too often, the attention is focused more on the abuser... rather than the abused. Still, the damages done by abuse, though often left unseen, wound the deepest parts of a person's soul. Wounds so deep, many are left unhealed throughout their lifetime.

My heart is for these innocent victims. I ache along with them as they search to find healing, purpose and value.

A teenage girl recently shared these words with me - words she wrote after experiencing sexual abuse at the hands of the man she had trusted most - her father. Though she continues on her path towards healing even today, my prayer is that she will continue to leave behind the mask that she wore for so long and discover a love that is true and pure through her Heavenly Father.

Here are her words:

Behind the Mask

Written by a 13 year old girl

I was just a doll

to fill your every pleasure.

Little did I know

to Someone, I was a treasure.

I grew up thinking

that this is all I am worth.

But God was there

even through the worst.

You said you loved me

but you were only lying.

You were not listening,

but God was... He heard me crying.

You violated

my body, my very being.

It took a long time

for my heart to stop bleeding.

You never asked me

Never asked if it was okay.

You had the power,

But used it all the wrong way.

You were just one man

But one man’s lust is all it took.

Then you only stood by

As my whole world shook.

So I put on a mask 

For those around me to see.

Because I can’t let

Them know what happened to me.

I cannot let it slip,

Must always keep it place.

I feared letting anyone 

See the pain on my face

But at last I found

Reality in salvation.

God truly loves me

For I am His creation.

He gave me the strength

To break the silence... to speak.

Now you are gone...

and I am no longer weak.

I'm no longer yours

Because I am His.

And I finally discovered

What authentic love is.

He gave me a fresh start

I simply had to ask

He's healing my heart

And removing my mask.

I would be so honored to pass on words of encouragement to this young woman - her journey to healing is far from over.  If you have something you would like to share with her - or what her words have meant to you, please email me and I will pass it along to her.  And for the broken and hurting people in your life - reach out to them today.  Make a difference in their life through a smile, kind words or a hug.

There is pain all around us.  If we could see what the masks are hiding, I fear it would render us speechless, frozen in horror at the wounds so many hide.

Like the poem says, authentic love can only be found by the One who came to save us.  This world is full of broken people - that is why He came.  My desire is to reflect the love He has shown me to the world around me.

If you are the one who is hurting today, I have this to say to you - you are loved!  The world tells us that we have no worth - no value.  Circumstances and situations from childhood to this very moment in time tell us that we're no good... so we spend our time searching for affirmation and love.  But hear me in this - your WORTH cannot be dependent upon another's opinion of you.  Looking to another to measure your value will only bring heartache and pain - for those you look to may be carrying their own burdens, leaving them with a distorted view of what genuine love is.

Their is only One who can love you with a complete and pure and authentic love - it is Jesus.  How do I know?  Because He removed my own mask of pain.  He brought me out of a dark, lonely and depressing life into one of peace and an inner joy that this world cannot take away.

He offers it to you as well.  All you need to do, is ask.

If you would like prayer for a situation in your life, email me today.  I would love to pray for you!

Life Interrupted: Telling the Family

 If you are new to Vicky's story, you may want to begin here.  As I am posting this blog, my heart is with Vicky as today she is receiving her first chemo treatment.  Please keep her and her family in your prayers!

Life Interrupted

The Journey of Jehovah Rapha's Daughter

by Victoria Overholt

You know, Lord, that now I have to go places I don't want to go.

I have to do things I don't want to do. 

I have to read and think about things that I don't want to read or think about. 

Heavy on my heart was the fact that our other children needed to be told, and my parents. Clarice told Angie and Jason while Ron and I went that Friday night to tell Austin and Tia. 

I remember their three boys were in and out of the room as we were talking, especially Noah. He just wanted to hang out with us and give us hugs. Of course they don't know what's going on.  

The ladies together at Christmas

The guys...

And the grandkids

Austin took my hand and told me that he knew whatever I had to go through that I would be strong and would be able to do it. Then he gave me a hug. Tia hugged me and we cried together. She let me know how much she loved me and was here for me. 

We left there and went to my parent's house. I was thinking this isn't something I should be telling my 80 year old parents. I should be thinking about how I can be helping them. They were both very positive. My mother who is 82 years old told me that she just knew the cancer was only in my breast and no place else. It's amazing how sometimes she might try my patience but there have been times when she is so clear in her encouragement to me that I know she hears from you, God.

The next day was New Years Eve. Clarice drove me over to Derek and Tabby's to talk to them. My heart was breaking as I told them. Tabby's mother had passed from cancer only a couple of years ago. She and I held each other and cried.  Derek hugged me and told me he loved me and we left.  

Lord, this is my journey and you are with me, but somehow I feel horrible and blessed at the same time that I have my family and friends to be with me on this journey.

We drove back to Clarice's and I went about making the lasagna that we would have for her birthday the next day. I remember going through the motions of what I was doing but feeling like I was alone even though she and her family were there.  It was if I was watching myself doing these things. Lord, you knew what was going on but I didn't.  I had a feeling as if I couldn't take a complete breath. 

The next day, Sunday, I woke up feeling the same way. Now my hands and my face were tingling. We didn't go to church. I called my doctor/friend who had diagnosed me.  He told me I was having anxiety and it was normal given my recent news. He told me to breathe into a paper bag and if that didn't help I should go to the E.R. I sent a text to Clarice and let her know what was going on. She told me she was coming over to get us and taking me to Bronson Hospital E. R.  She had postponed her birthday dinner with our family.

The drive there wasn't the greatest with the snow and wind. I got right into the E.R. when we arrived. Shortness of breath and back pain are the ticket in, I guess.

The doctor there was checking for a blood clot in my lung since my recent needle biopsy. I had a chest x-ray that was okay. He ordered a CT scan of my chest. When I got back to the room after that test, I thought I was having a heart attack. I had crushing pain across my chest and back and couldn't breathe.

They thought I may be having a reaction to the contrast dye. They gave me 2 Nitro tablets, EKG's, and I don't know what other drugs before the pain went away. Because of this, I had to have a stress test.

At some point during this whole ordeal, I remember breaking down and crying. Ronnie and Clarice were there and the E.R. nurse. I think her name was Stephanie.  "I don't think I can do this," I said. I went on to say that I felt like I was letting everyone down. I'm supposed to be the strong one who takes care of everyone else.

What if I cry sometimes?  Will they think I'm not strong? 

It's not fair.  I thought I was doing all the right things.  I'm healthy.  I take care of myself.  

Stephanie held my hand and told me that my body was trying to tell me that this is what I needed to be doing right now. I need to let my family step up and take care of me for awhile.  She assured me how I was feeling was normal.

I don't remember much about the rest of the hospital visit only that I had to stay overnight. The next day as I was waiting to be discharged, Clarice got sick and started vomiting. She was given her own bed in the E.R. and Ron and I had to wait for her to be discharged. As we were getting ready to leave, Ron drove her van a short distance from the parking lot to the entrance, and because of the ice, slid into two poles and damaged both passenger side doors. I'm sure this is not a birthday any of us will soon forget.

Lord, a lot has happened since that day. I've done some reading about anxiety after a cancer diagnosis. Our bodies go into a flight or fight response while our minds try to decide how to react to this new danger. Will we be positive and help our bodies fight this disease or be pessimistic and fall into a deeper depression where we aren't able to fight?

I choose to stand on Your word!

Psalm 57:2-3 

I call out to High God, the God who holds me together. He sends orders from heaven and saves me. God delivers generous love, he makes good on his word.

Psalm 31:7

I am overcome with joy because of God's unfailing love, for He has seen my troubles, and he cares about the anguish of my soul.

Psalm 119:50

This is my comfort and consolation in my affliction: that your word has revived me and given my life.

Isaiah 26:3

You will guard me and keep me in perfect and constant peace as my mind is stayed on You, because I commit myself to You, lean on You, and hope confidently

in You.

You know those tears at the hospital weren't the first or the last but You are with me always. You don't slap me around and tell me that I'm weak, but you pick me up and carry me and for that I am thankful.

Life Interrupted continued here.

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I invite you to comment below or email your words of encouragement for Vicky.

Boys, Birthdays and Motorcycle-Riding Zebras

Birthdays, like in most homes, are highly anticipated events around here.  Kobe is on the countdown to his 5th birthday and has been making plans for this grand day for... well, almost a year now.

I hear him in conversation with big brother Corey from time to time and I pray I'll always remember each detail.  I hope I'll remember the softness of the carpet under my feet as I stand outside the door of his room listening, the way I hold my breath in an effort to remain silent so as not to interrupt, the excited pitch of their voices as they animatedly discuss presents, cakes and the glorious joys that "being five" will bring.

Kobe with his 4th Birthday Cake

What he doesn't know is that already, tucked away in Grandma's attic, is his present.  The countdown calendar is being designed in my head (I usually try to make one for each child thirty days out from their birthday and we're almost there), but there's one thing I haven't been able to figure out yet.

His cake.

I mean seriously!  I am not making this up!  He wants a cake with a lion on it.  When I first heard that I thought, "Ok... he had that last year, but, sure, why not?  We'll do another lion cake."

But no.

No.

That would be too simple.

This time, he wants a lion chasing a (and I quote) "zebra that is riding a motorcycle".

Yeah...

Ok....

I think he saw a picture of one somewhere and now that's all he can think about.  Silly boy!  The idea is so fun and funny to me that I'm pretty sure we'll try to get that cake for him.

How do you celebrate birthdays?  What are the most interesting cakes you've created for kids?  Tell me about your family birthday traditions... and feel free to add links to show what you're talking about!

Life Interrupted: How It All Began

If you are new to Vicky's story, you may want to begin here.

Life Interrupted

The Journey of Jehovah Rapha's Daughter

by Victoria Overholt

Lord, I need to move along with this journal as so much has happened since December. I guess I will get most of the ugliness out of the way, not to bring any kind of glory to the darkness... but because you tell us not to be ignorant of the schemes of the devil.

Ron & Vicky with Clarice and family

Your word says in Ephesians 6:12-13 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything to stand." 

I'm standing, thanks to You and the prayers and encouragement of your people.

I can think back and see the battle. One night before I was even diagnosed or had the biopsy, I woke up with a horrible thought in my mind. The thought was that I would rather die than lose a breast. Who, but the enemy of my soul, would put that thought in my mind. Of course, I happen to like being a woman, but I'm not so vain as to sacrifice my life. That was the first of many times I had to rebuke the enemy. 

After my diagnosis, I wasn't sleeping well. If I did I would have horrible dreams. I guess even now I
can't write them down. I've thought many times back to 1985 when my doctor found two lumps, one in each breast and said they needed to come out. When he did a pre-op check, the one on the right was gone. The one on the left was removed and was benign. Because of that, he told me I should have mammograms every year and that I had fibrocystic breast disease. He told me to cut down on caffeine and do self-exams. 

Lord, you know I've been doing that. I've tried to be healthy. I've done the self-exams. I've had mammograms every year for all these years. 

In the spring of 2010, I found a lump on my right breast. I kept checking it and it would come and go with my cycle.

The doctor who had removed my previous lump had retired so I went to an OB/GYN office where Clarice was going.  I had the lump checked out.  She told me if it would come and go with my cycle that it was probably a cyst and nothing to worry about. She ordered an ultrasound which showed a cluster of benign fluid filled cysts. 

I continued to check it... it continued to come and go. 

In the Spring of 2011 when I went for my annual physical, it was checked again. It was still there. I went for my mammogram and they also did some magnifications. The mammogram was negative. 

All through the summer and fall, it came and went. Then one night in November, I woke up in the middle of the night with extreme, sharp, shooting pain in the lump area. From that time on, I knew something was different and it wasn't going away. 

I wonder if the doctor's believe me or anyone believes me when I tell them that's what happened. People will ask me if I can feel it. Yes, I can feel it. The doctor tells me she thinks its been there about a year and a half. She thinks it was hidden somewhere among the cysts. That makes me ill to think about. 

Lord, you know I wouldn't walk around with a 4.2 cm tumor and do nothing. It presents itself
as larger than that so they don't think all that can be felt is cancerous. So the enemy comes along and tries to tell me that it's my fault. 

If only.... 

What if....

You should have...

Pastor Don and Lisa reassure me that they are lies and to cast down all evil imaginations. They told me I did all I could have done and who knows if I still might be at this place no matter what I may have done differently. 

My doctors assure me I did all I could have done. One doctor told me that the mammogram is actually a very poor test but it's all we've got.

Then there's the disclaimer at the bottom of the mammogram results stating that if you have dense breasts it's harder to pick out the masses that may be there.

Lord, you know I can't think about those things anymore. The journey is here and I have to fight, but not alone. You are with me and my friends and family and your many faithful prayer warriors. I really hadn't wanted to tell anyone about this, still.. as people were told and started praying for me, I could feel the answers to those prayers and Your peace surrounding me.

I am here to expose the darkness by your word that we might not be ignorant. I would encourage any who don't know You Lord, to call out to You and accept You into their life. I would encourage those who know You, to know the authority we have as believers.

I stand on your word!

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance( to the full, till it overflows).

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear , but of power and of love and a sound mind.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

I can't even imagine going through this without You in my life, Lord. I'm leaning on Your everlasting arms.

More Family Photos

Daughter Angie with husband, Dustin

Baby Trinity

Life Interrupted continued here.

If you'd like to follow Vicky's journey, be sure to subscribe in the top right corner.


I invite you to comment below or email your words of encouragement for Vicky.

In Spite of the Facts, Trust Him

There’s a story in the book of Mark about a man named Jarius. Jarius was a leader in the synagogue. These men were known for being cynical of Jesus, yet on this day, Jarius‘ carefully orchestrated life was spiraling out of control, and he no longer cared what others thought of him. He simply knew he had to find Jesus.

In my heart of hearts, I can feel the panic that must have gripped his soul as he ran to find Him. She was sick, his daughter! The light of his life had fallen deathly ill and there was nothing he could do to save her.

From the moment Jarius had first held her in his arms, she had claimed his heart. And just as quickly, he became her hero. In her eyes, Daddy was the one who could do anything - fix her toys, kiss away her tears and coax a smile from her no matter how sad she felt.

The memory of her lying there in her bed, burning with fever pushed him to run faster. He had to find Jesus! Jesus alone, was the answer! Jesus alone, had the power to save his little girl.

Pushing through the crowd of people, Jarius fell to his knees before Jesus, “She’s sick, Jesus! My daughter is about to die! Please, Jesus, please come touch my daughter. Come and heal her!”

Jesus had compassion on Jarius and moved to follow him. Yet, there were distractions and travel was slow. Jarius’ panic most certainly grew as moment by moment they slowly made their way towards his home.

That’s when Jarius saw him - the messenger. The moment their eyes met, Jarius knew.

She was gone.

His beautiful little princess had died.

Struggling to hold back his grief, Jarius turned towards home. It was too late. She... she was gone!

Why?

Why?

Why hadn’t Jesus come quicker? Why did others get healed, yet his daughter... his precious daughter hadn’t?

All hope was lost. She was gone, and there was nothing... nothing he could do.

Jarius felt two hands on his shoulders. It was Jesus. “Jarius,” He said, “Don’t listen to them. Trust Me.”

“Trust You?” Jarius must have thought. “Trust You for what?” He knew the miracles that Jesus had performed across the region. He knew the power Jesus had portrayed - healing’s of all kinds. But this? This was death! Death is final. Death is the end. Once death enters the room, there’s no going back! Didn’t Jesus know the facts?

It’s an amazing thought - one that boggles my mind. Jesus asking people to trust Him when the facts - not just suspicions... not simple assumptions... not even an educated guess, no, the actual facts speak otherwise.

But this Jesus was not, and is not, bound by facts. His power extends beyond all our realities!

It’s a truth I cling to when the facts of life aren’t what I’d hoped for. Jesus proved His power that day to Jarius and all those in the house when he took that cold little hand and brought life to her.

Trust is not easy, but there is One who has power beyond our comprehension. And when Jesus tells you to trust Him, then trust Him!

What are the dreams you once cherished? Dreams that have long since died? What are the hopes you have for tomorrow? If placed in your heart by God, Himself, why not believe He has the power to change the impossible? Why not allow Him to demonstrate His power through your life?

Trust Him when all seems lost.

Trust Him when everyone around you says otherwise.

Rest in the words of Jesus, “Don’t listen to them. Trust Me.”

Life Interrupted: A New Journey Begins

There's no good time in life to hear the word 'cancer', yet for so many, it is the unwelcome reality that they face.  One short word, yet so many complexities that interrupt the rhythms of a happy life.

My friend, Victoria, is facing this interruption.  Christmas had just passed when she discovered an unwelcome visitor within her body and life changed...   But I'm getting ahead of the story.  Let's back up and allow me to tell you a little bit about Vicky's life.

Vicky and Ron

Victoria turned 50 in May 2011. Throughout her life she has been a stay at home mom, a factory worker, medical assistant and worked in Guest Services at the Holiday Inn Express.   She and her husband, Ron have gone through some difficulties over the years. Twice they lost work through factories closing - the later forcing Ron into early retirement, yet through it all they maintained the firm belief that God is good.

In September of last year, Vicky began caring for their newest granddaughter, Trinity Ann, who is now seven months old and according to Victoria, "the best boss ever".

This coming April, Ron and Victoria plan to celebrate their 20th anniversary. Ronnie came into her life when Victoria's youngest was 4 and together they have raised their combined five children - Angie Overholt Jasper, age 37, Jason Overholt, age 35, Clarice Brooks Beck, age 31, Austin Brooks, age 29 and Derek Brooks, age 26.

Today, they have eleven wonderful grandchildren and enjoy getting together as a family, having cookouts and just watching the kids play.

Vicky holding Trinity

As she begins her journey through cancer, chemo and all that it brings, I've invited her to share her thoughts along the way.  She was more than willing to do that and I hope that not only will this inspire you to pray for Victoria, but also to live your lives with the same gratitude and joy I see in Vicky's.

Derek & Tabby

Austin, Tia and boys

Here's Vicky:

Ok Lord, I'm writing... 

You know I have been encouraged by my friends and family to journal. It's been 45 days since my life was "officially" interrupted.

I wasn't ready back then to write about it and I thought for sure I would be able to remember every detail about that day. I'm sure it's because of your mercy that I don't.

I got the phone call from my doctor around 10 am December 29th a Thursday. I was sitting in the Adirondack loveseat in our mudroom, one of the few places I can get a good phone signal. I sat there and listened as he told me the fine needle biopsy from my breast lump came back positive for cancer. 

He talked to me for probably an hour. I'm sure there was a lot I didn't even hear. I wish I could say that my first thought was , "God I trust you. God I trust you," but, Lord, you know it wasn't. Nothing is hidden from you. You know that my first thought was that I don't want to die.  I listened as Doc told me that this is a bump in the road. There's surgery, radiation and chemotherapy. He assured me that I wasn't a monster, that I was still Vicky. 

Well, a monster is what I felt like. I only wanted this "enemy" out of me as soon as possible. He told me I would have to have some other tests done to make sure it wasn't anyplace else in my body.  Fear gripped my heart at the possibility. The phone call ended. I honestly don't even remember if I cried then.

Ron and I sat down at the dining room table. He had been listening to my side of the conversation. Lord, I didn't want to tell this news to anyone. Of course, I had to.

I called my daughter, Clarice. I don't remember any of the conversation. I think I may have given her a list of people to call. I called my friend Betty. I do remember her saying she was sorry and she would tell Pastor Don. I know I didn't want people to feel sorry for me but to stand with me and pray for me.

I remember walking through the rooms of our house. This house that was an amazing blessing that you gave to us God, only a few months ago. I looked out of the windows. My thoughts were rampant... 

How many more times would I look out this window? 

How many more nights would I share this bedroom? 

How many more times would I get to see our wonderful grandchildren playing in the pool in our backyard? Even now I fight back the tears as I think about it.

Clarice came over later and was helping me hang up some clothes in my closet. She hugged me and said the only thing she asked of me was that I wouldn't give up.  "Of course I'm not going to give up," I told her. I wasn't sure what that meant. Does it mean I can't be sad? Does it mean I can't cry? Is that what it means to be strong?

Lord, I know that when I am weak, you are strong.  I know, Lord, that you didn't give this to me. It says in Your Word in 1 John 3:8, For this purpose the Son of Man was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil.

Isaiah 53:5 But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquites, the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed.

You knew Lord, before I did and that I would need You. Before I even had this confirmed diagnosis, you spoke to me. 

Ron and I were driving to Rod and Betty's one night. I was looking out the window into the darkness. I heard Your voice so clearly in my heart and mind. You said to me, "I'm holding you, I'm holding you." I said to You, "but I'm afraid."

You said to me, "Don't be afraid, I'm holding you."

Lord, this journey continues and I say to You, "Thank you for holding me. Don't stop holding me."

Life Interrupted Continued Here.

If you'd like to follow Vicky's journey, be sure to subscribe in the top right corner.

I invite you to comment below or email your words of encouragement for Vicky.

One Cool Mom

It started with the sandwiches.

When Corey was in Pre-K, he came home talking about the amazing sandwiches his friend, Morgan, had.

"They're dinosaur sandwiches, Mom!"

"Impressive!" I thought.  Morgan has a pretty cool mom, so I wasn't too surprised.

"His daddy made it!"  Corey's emphasis on the word 'daddy' clarified just how cool he thought Morgan's dad must be!

Several days went by, and Corey continued to talk about Morgan's awesome dinosaur sandwiches, so one morning I decided to surprise Corey with a (drumroll please) tractor sandwich!  By my own admission, the tractor looked pretty beat-up and misshapen, so I grabbed a magic marker and outlined a simple John Deere 7400 tractor on the sandwich bag.  

The plan worked - Corey was impressed!

Happy to have elevated my status as one-cool-mom in Corey's eyes, I continued to cut his sandwiches into different shapes... for a while anyway.  Over the summer, I must have forgotten and my "coolness" level waned.

Fast forward two years to Kobe entering Pre-K.  To our delight, one of his classmates happens to be Owen, Morgan's little brother!  Kobe was thrilled to spend his every-other-day time with Owen and often came home with little tidbits of this and that about the amazing Owen.

The amazing  Morgan and Owen

Corey & Kobe

And then they had a conversation.  A conversation that has changed Tuesdays-and-Thursdays-at-home-with-Mommy.

They talked about clubhouses.

"Owen has a clubhouse, Mommy!"  Kobe's eyes were huge and I could tell he was very impressed!  

"Really?  That's great!"  It was Kobe's day at home and I was naive to what I was getting myself in to grateful for the idea.  Kobe misses his siblings when they are at school, so I was happy to help him create his own "awesome clubhouse".

I pulled several chairs into the living room, threw a blanket over the top and helped him tape the sign he had made (all by himself!) onto the side.  He turned into a cheetah and crawled into his clubhouse cave where he lapped water out of a bowl.

Kobe with his clubhouse sign

The clubhouse was a hit, and Kobe was entertained for several hours.  Corey came home from school and he, too, seemed duly impressed.

A few days passed by, the clubhouse was taken down, the sign disappeared, the cheetah turned into a little boy and was off to school once more.  I thought the clubhouse dream had been fulfilled and I mentally patted myself on the back for the ingenuity and creativity I had displayed for my young son.  

I was one cool mom!

But alas, I was not as ingenious and creative as I had hoped. By 3:00 that afternoon, Kobe was sitting in the van, excitedly describing Owen's clubhouse.  Apparently, he hadn't realized that clubhouses could be created out of materials other than fleece coverlets.

"Owen's clubhouse is made out of WOOD, Mommy!  WOOD!"

"Oh..."  I really didn't want to build a clubhouse out of wood, so I scrambled quickly to think of a new subject.  "How was school today?"

"Good.  AND they are gonna paint their clubhouse too!"  

Ok, so that didn't work.

Kobe went on, "Mom, can we build a clubhouse with wood?  And paint it?  I want to paint it dark blue... or dark black!"  I know he kept talking after that, but I stopped listening as I mentally pictured my boys covered in dark blue (or dark black) paint.  And I groaned.

"Tell ya what, Buddy," I glanced at Kobe's hopeful face in the rearview mirror of the van, "that sounds like a good project for you to talk to daddy about!"  

Thankfully he agreed and I was off the hook...  for the moment anyway! :)  If it started with a simple sandwich and has already climbed to dark black clubhouses, who knows what these boys will come up with over the years.

I cherish conversations like these with my children.  I enjoy seeing them build friendships of their own and watching them dream big dreams while using their imaginations!

No, I'm not threatened by the "coolness" of other mommies or daddies - I am secure enough to know that I hold my children's love and affection. :)  But I do love the fact that I can learn by watching others.  Through the avenue of friendships we can discover new adventures, ideas and traditions for our families to enjoy.  Hopefully soon, that will include a clubhouse for the Carpenter kids!

And I might even let them do the painting!  (Just don't hold me to it!)

Morgan and Owen are being raised by some pretty cool people!  You can read their story here.

Miscarriage - Krista's Story

I've heard from many different women about their own experiences with miscarriages and infertility.  Several touched my heart so much and have been sitting in my inbox waiting for me to post them here for you as well.

Today’s post is from Krista who has experienced three miscarriages. She and her husband, Caleb are still waiting, praying and believing for a child someday. What I found so encouraging through the words of Krista, was the trust she had in God while in the middle of heartbreak.

Her experiences remind me that God is in control and no matter what we face in life, He is there, ready and willing to give us the grace, strength and peace we need for what lies ahead.

Here’s Krista:

With my first pregnancy, Caleb and I found out I was pregnant around six weeks.  I went in for my first appointment at twelve weeks.  The doctor performed the regular checkup and then began looking for a heartbeat.  He was unable to find one and said it might be a little early.  I knew at that point that something was wrong - usually you can pick up a strong heart beat at nine weeks. 

The doctor sent me home with plans to schedule an ultrasound.  I remember laying in my bed, bawling my eyes out.  I knew something was wrong.  Caleb had to go back to work, so my mom went in with me for the ultrasound. 

The technician performing the scan said nothing due to hospital policy, but all I saw on the screen was an empty sac where the baby was supposed to be.  She sent me home and told me that the doctor would call me in the morning.   I was so frustrated!  I wanted to ask, “Are you kidding me?  You want me to wait until tomorrow for you to tell me the obvious - that my baby is gone?!”  

At that point I started getting very bitter and angry, asking God WHY? Why did this have to happen to ME?!  What did I do to deserve this?!  We went back in the next day.  Soon the doctor came into the room with the words I didn’t want to hear.  

“I have bad news,” he said.   My heart sank as he went on to tell us that the baby had died between one to four weeks.  What I had now was called a blighted ovum (empty sac).   At this point, my hormones were still telling my body that I was pregnant - even though there was no baby.  This was the cause for my continued pregnancy symptoms.  

The doctor tole me that I had two options - have a D & C procedure or simply allow my body to take care of it naturally.  I chose the latter.

A week later, I woke up early with more pain that I had ever been in in my life.  It was a long, emotional day.  Thankfully, my mom was able to come over to offer me support. 

After supper that night, I knew it was over.  We placed our baby’s remains in a little box and buried it in my parent’s flowerbed.  It was so difficult for me to let go - to say “good-bye”.  Caleb dug the hole and I put the box in and he wanted me to cover it, but I couldn't. 

Weeks past and I would find myself crying, asking God why.  It was really hard on me when I found out my friends were getting pregnant and having babies.  Oh, I was happy for them... but there was something deep down that just hurt.  It was during this time that a friend gave me a book called 'In a Heartbeat' and I found so much encouragement within its pages. 

Nine months later, February 1, 2010, I discovered I was pregnant for the second time.  I can't begin to describe the feelings that I had that day.  I was excited, nervous and scared all at the same time.  I told my dad and right away I started crying, he held me and said that everything was going to be ok.  He prayed for me and the baby's protection.  

Determined not to take any chances, I called the doctor right away.   This baby was going to go to full term!  

At my first checkup, they performed an ultrasound and to my delight we could see the baby although the heartbeat was faint.  According to my calculations, I was just over seven weeks along, yet the baby wasn’t measuring quite that big.  The doctor scheduled another ultrasound for the following week.  We left excited at the news that by the next visit we would be able to see and hear the heartbeat!  

A week later I was back.  I lay there on the table amazed at the most beautiful sound I had ever heard - our baby’s heartbeat.  145 beats per minute.  The technician printed off pictures and with a smile on her face informed us that everything was looking great!  It was music to my ears.  

I felt great over the next several weeks.  I even got to spend a week in Florida with my mom, my aunt and my grandma. I kept thanking God for this baby and felt so blessed to not be experiencing morning sickness.  

But the morning I returned home from Florida, I began experiencing the telltale signs that I was once again losing a baby. 

I fell to my knees, crying out to God,  “Noooooo!  No!  This cannot be happening AGAIN, God!   Please, please, don't take my baby!  You have no idea how bad I want this child, God.”  Tears fell down my face as I begged for the life of my child.   “I can't go through this again, God.”  But suddenly my prayer changed.  Instead of focusing on my own wants and desires, I prayed that He would give me a peace and understanding for whatever lay ahead.  I struggle to find the words for what happened next.  For in that moment, a peace entered that little bathroom where I knelt.  A peace like I’ve never experienced before.  I stood and walked out that door, a brokenhearted woman, yes, but a woman who had peace that God was in control.  

We told our family and friends that I was afraid I was losing the baby and they began praying.  I took to the couch, hoping that complete rest was the answer.  The peace stayed with me, and I felt that no matter what happened, everything was going to be ok. 

I had a lot of ups and downs throughout the following week.  The devil played with my mind so much telling me it was my fault that I wasn't keeping my babies and that I wasn't good enough.   On March 24th, Caleb took me to the hospital where another little life slipped from my body.  

I’ll never forget the moments I had as I laid there on my hospital bed - just talking to God.  That peace He had gifted me with earlier was still present and I relished in the beauty of it.  Peace like that... in moments like that... that’s a peace that can only come from Him!

As I waited for the D & C, friends and family stopped in to pray and encourage me.  Later my mom would tell me that her and my dad were amazed at my demeanor.  

“You didn’t look like a person who was going through a loss like that,” she said.   

I simply smiled, “That... that was all God! It was His peace that brought me through.” 

On our wedding day

Time went by and I continued to long for a baby.  Even now as I look back, I see God’s hand working in our lives though.  While I questioned God, wondering when He would grant me the desires of my heart.  But it was in that time that Caleb and I were able to make a life-changing trip to the Dominican Republic.  I know now that I wouldn’t have been able to go if I had been pregnant.

After we returned from the D.R., Caleb and I discussed whether we were ready.  The memories of the past two miscarriages brought a lot of “what if’s” to our minds and we weren’t always on the same page about what to do.

Through the next several months, I came to a place of needing to fully rely on God and His perfect will.  Caleb and I had finally agreed that we were ready to try for another pregnancy, but now, it wasn’t happening.  One negative result followed another and I struggled with the whispered lies of the enemy, telling me that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom... that this was somehow my fault... so many emotions!

One day I sat at my parent’s kitchen table crying my eyes out as I told them my struggles.  They encouraged me, reminding me that my life was in God’s hands.

“Ok God, its all in Your hands. In Your perfect timing it will happen.”

That November, I took a pregnancy test on our anniversary and to my astonishment, it was positive! 

We spent the day excited and happy as we celebrated this precious gift, but only six days later we were once again hearing the words that felt like a knife in our hearts.  I had miscarried once again.

Caleb and I held each other as I cried.  I remembered that peace God had given me in the previous miscarriage and I begged for His comfort once more and He graciously responded.

The Sunday morning after my third miscarriage, there was no way I was going to stay home.  I needed the comfort and encouragement of my church family!  And how thankful I am that I went.  A group of ladies surrounded me, prayed for me and whispered verses of encouragement.  

One that I cling to is this “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 

It’s been two months since we lost our third angel baby.  Since then, I’ve done some doctoring and have a game plan for the next time.  I don't know when that will be, but I know God's timing is perfect.  I believe that in His perfect timing we will have a baby.

Yes, it's been difficult and I've asked God why, why do we have to go through this for a third time? I still have my moments when all I can do is cry.  It’s in those moments that I feel God's arms wrap around me and I know our three Angel Babies are perfectly safe in His arms and one day we'll get to see them and hold them. 

NOTE:  Caleb and Krista are currently preparing to serve in mission work in Nicaragua.  You can follow their story here.

I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.  Philippians 4:13 MES