On the Air With Eve!

This past summer, I received an email from Cathie Humbarger.  Cathie is the director of Indiana Right to Life and she was looking to get in touch with Erin Eve.  (If you're not familiar with Erin's story - it starts here.)  I put her in touch with Erin and to our excitement, Erin was invited to come to Ft. Wayne to be featured in one of Allen County's Right to Life radio broadcasts.

Outside the radio station

So, one day in July, Erin and I made the short trip to Ft Wayne.  I was planning on snapping pictures and eat me some Olive Garden, but after meeting Cathie and the standard introduction of "this is Marlin's Sister", she invited me to join the discussion as well!  :)

Kris Opper from Silent No More was the other guest that morning.  I so enjoyed meeting both Cathie and Kris.  Both ladies have a beautiful testimony of what has led them to making this their mission in life.  Their passion for women struggling with abortion is so apparent and I'm grateful for the work they do!

Cathie Humbarger, Erin Eve, myself and Kris Opper in the studio

That radio broadcast will be on the air today at 10 am on the Bott Radio Station 1090am. Other air
times are listed on our website @ www.ichooselife.org.  The link is towards the bottom of the page.


You can also listen to it here!   

Watch Redemption Sunday Online

For those of you following Eve's story, you will remember us talking about Redemption story when "Eve" was revealed.  If you were unable to join us that day, you can watch the service right here!

A Letter From Erin Eve - Part 7

Erin and I were chatting on the phone this morning and she mentioned there was one more subject on her heart that she felt she should address - Jim.  I agreed and even though it’s not Monday, here’s one more letter from Erin Eve.

Forgiving Jim

 

 

            I woke up this morning with all the “Jims” on my heart!  What a surprise that was.  I realized that I need to share that corner of my heart that has been dusted off and polished up.  In my story I shared my feelings of hate towards Jim, but I want you guys in particular to know that healing took place - only through God’s grace.  Just as God forgives us so shall we forgive those who do wrong against us.  Jim was only following his flesh, doing what he thought would be best for me and ultimately himself. 

 

            Several years ago I actually bumped into Jim and believe me when I say there are no coincidences in life.  God has had his hand on my life all through this journey.  And don’t you just love God’s sense of humor?  He is a loving and gracious God who wants the best for us, not just mediocrity that we all too often settle for or think that is what’s deserved of us. 

While attending a church service to hear a guest speaker who was of interest to my husband, I had a life changing moment occur.  While in line to receive communion….God’s ways are so awesome, I glanced to my left and who would I see sitting there, but Jim!  I cannot fully describe the feelings that came over me, but it was something like “Hello GOD!” 

As I went forward to take communion with a smile on my face and flutter in my heart I realized that the hate I so long ago felt for Jim was completely gone.  I looked up at the huge cross covered in a purple sash and smiled even bigger when I saw the thorny crown.  I know that the Lord will have a crown to place upon my head just as the Bible says, only when I receive that one, I won't feel so ashamed, but freely loved.  

As I walked back to my seat and saw him with a beautiful family, my heart skipped to a beat of joy for him and I instantly prayed for him, for the first time.  I saw that he was a husband and a father, and he was in church….most likely seeking what I was seeking…a place to drop some heavy dirty chains.  

~Erin Eve

Eve Revealed - Part 6

It's been six weeks since I first introduced you to Eve - and what an incredible six weeks it has been!  

Eve and I have heard from so many people who have been touched by her story.  This past Sunday at our church, Firm Foundation Ministries, we were honored to be able to share her story and how God desires to redeem each of us.  I wish you could've been there! It was beautiful!

So who is Eve?  

 

On the day she was born, Eve’s parent’s gave her a name that means peace.  I do not believe that this is a coincidence.  For in my friend I see just that.   I see a woman who found peace through the gift of Redemption.

Her name means peace, and we call her Erin.  I'm proud to introduce you to my friend, Erin Eve Schwartz!

I asked Erin if she would tell us how her life has been since that night at the flagpole.  So, ladies and gentlemen, here's Erin Eve!
 

Now I Know…..He love even me

A Letter from “Eve”

 

 

 

            That night under the flag pole, when I finally gave in to God and stopped telling him who I was not.  When I feel into his loving arms and let him love on me.  That is really where the story begins, at least the good part.  Because you see, at that moment, my old self died.  I was remade new and washed white as snow.  I knew that God wanted EVEN me!

           

            From that point, I was like a new baby Christian.  Learning to crawl and walk, learning to hold The Lord’s hand and Trust in God.  That summer I worked as a waitress at a hometown restaurant and it was there that the man God had been molding just for me walked into my life.  I knew this handsome, sweet guy who looked oh so adorable in his ball uniform was not from around town.  Something drew me to him and I was bound and determined to be his waitress every time his ball team came into eats each week.  I knew something was very different about this mysterious sweet guy whose name was Tobey.

 

            When He asked me out the very first time, it wasn’t to go to a movie or dinner.  He coolly walked up to me at the salad bar and with a twinkle in his eye, he said simply asked, “would you like to go to church with me?”  My heart skipped a beat and I might as well have been the gravy sitting there on the buffet.  I knew this adorable, sweet, hunk was a gift that only God could send me. 

 

            We began emailing often once I was back at school, we didn’t even have a date yet.  We communicated by email only for 3 months before I actually called and spoke to him on the phone.  That conversation lasted 3 hours and I knew when I hung up that this was the man for me.  Before he hung up, he asked if he could pray for me!  As exciting as it was, there was still terror in my heart, because he didn’t know ALL about me.  God began working on me and Tobey would send me scripture that was exactly what I needed to hear for those particular difficult days that would come.  I had told him I had just recently given my heart to the Lord and was a new Christian. 

 

            I kept going to Campus Crusades and drawing near to God.  Baby steps….it was exciting, everything was so new and there was so much to learn, but through it all God was walking along side me for the times I would fall. 

 

            One glorious yet defining weekend Tobey picked me up and took me to Nashville Tennessee with him to visit his brother who was living there.  We had only had about 2 dates back home when I was home for some various weekends.  The sheer excitement and exhilaration of just simply riding next to him in his pick up truck was almost more than I could handle.  I wanted to shout from the Grand Ole Opry stage that I was in Love, a love like I had never known.  Tobey showed me all the sites and held my hand on a rainy carriage ride around the twinkling town.  When he told me he loved me, I thought I’d explode with joy!  I loved him more than I ever thought possible to love.  In his arms was the only place I wanted to be.  There was a severe blow to my heart as he drove us back to drop me off at my apartment at State…..I knew then that I’d have to tell my dream guy what I had done.  He had to know my most hidden secret before this relationship got any deeper. 

 

            I remember Tobey asking me if I was okay on the way back.  I told him I was just taking in all the great moments of the weekend, and I was tired.  In reality I was praying to God to help him understand, to someway let him still love me if I tell him.  I can still remember how I trembled and feared the worst…..that I would lose him. He put the truck in park in front of my apartment.  This was it…I had to tell him before I got out of the truck and he drove back up north.

 

            When I unhooked my seat belt and said I must tell him something, He took my hand and looked at me with those warm dreamy eyes and said “you can tell me anything.”  I blurted it out and sobbed in his arms as he held me.  He didn’t kick me out of the truck and leave me there on the curb as I had feared.  He hugged me close and told me that I can’t see it now, but someday you will be able to help so many others who have the same hurt.  I was quite shocked, I’ll admit.  I sort of wondered if maybe he was a little crazy!  What was he talking about?  He brushed back my tears and prayed with me that God would heal my heart and that I would trust in Jesus when times are tough.  
 

I remember him pulling away that night as I stood on the sidewalk.  I was smiling up to the heavens, thanking God for that man he had sent into my life at the most perfect time. 

           

            December 22, 2001 was one of the happiest days of my life.  I became Mrs. Tobey!  What a life we have built together.  We now have 2 precious, amazing boys that we thank God for daily.  I can’t imagine my life with out them I truly know, without a doubt that they are gifts from God. 

 

            It hasn’t always been peaches and cream since that night at the flagpole however.  You see, I left a huge pile of chains laying there on the ground.  I was no longer in bondage to my sin.  I accepted Christ into my heart and life, but I continued to carry in each hand a long dirty chain.  They would clank and grown heavy at times and I would think that I HAD to drag them around with me daily, but guess what?   God spoke to me as I began to press in to him.  I began to read the Word, the instructions he gave me as a new baby Christian.  I came to a pretty shocking revelation when I realized that I had been slapping Jesus in the face!  By holding onto chains of unforgiveness of myself.  Not receiving and believing God’s forgiveness, either by not confessing sin or by holding onto a self righteousness that says “I can’t forgive myself,” is prideful and ungrateful.  It places our own evaluation over God’s.  When we’ve been forgiven by others but do not accept it, that says that their forgiveness is not adequate.  

 

When God forgives his children, it is FINISHED, signed, and sealed and EVEN forgotten!

 

            Maybe you did what I did, or, maybe you were the drug addict, or the porn addict, or the adulterer.  Or, maybe you were like the Jim in my story.  When I wanted to be punished and I wanted to die, the shame and regret and guilt were at times too heavy a burden to carry.  But I’m so excited to be able to tell you that when the enemy said that I deserved a punishment, God touched me with his grace.

 

            Every sin – no matter how large – can be forgiven and swallowed in God’s infinite ocean of grace.  If you don’t believe me, if you are like I was all those years ago in the back of campus crusades and you need to go look it up, by all means please do it!  Go find 1John 1:7 “The blood of Jesus purifies us from every sin.”  It does not say “SOME” it says ALL!

 

            When my amazing, beautiful Woman of God friend Lynette asked me if I’d be willing to share my story on her blog, I hesitated.  She and Tobey really were the only one’s who knew the real story, all of my story.  She seemed so relaxed and calm about it.  She gave me the peace that I needed to share it and that there are surely more stories like mine that can help set people free from the chains we sometimes carry around.  I grew a strength and bold courage that only could come from God.  I saw that I was a child of God and that my darkest hour could be used for his Glory!  He was telling me to go tell.

 

            I want to encourage anyone carrying chains that they can not let go of, to drop them at the foot of the cross.  There is power and Freedom like you won’t believe in the sound of falling chains.  Press into God and stop telling him who you are not and let him be God. 

 

Hugs, blessing and Love to you all,

                        Erin Eve

Erin with husband, Tobey, and sons, Logan and Cooper

Cooper and Logan

 

Thanks Erin, for telling your story!  This journey together has been more incredible than I anticipated!  I know your testimony will bless thousands - it already has, I'm sure!

I had seen something deep beneath Erin's lovely, happy spirit a couple of years ago - some deep hurt.  I had no idea what that might be, but a couple of months ago as we sat together in a coffee shop, she told me her deep dark secret.  My immediate response was, "Erin, that only makes me love you more!".  I wish all of us could find the courage and strength to say, "that was then, but because of God's love for me, my 'now' looks a whole lot brighter!"


Erin and I went on to discuss some of her struggles over the years.  One being the loss of two more babies through miscarriage.  She and I also have both have our stories of dealing with infertility (I know, doesn't look like it anymore, right!), so we connected on that level as well.  She went on to tell me about a song her sister-in-law, Carma Schwartz Kelley from The Schwartz Family, wrote called "Until I Can" - speaking of losing a child.  (I wanted to have the song playing on here for you, but am having some difficulties getting it to happen.)
Erin said each time Tobey's family would sing this song, she had to leave the room.  

Today, though, she celebrates the life of all three children who are with Jesus.  She shared yesterday at church that she knows Jesus won't be running to her with open arms when she gets to Heaven - instead, He'll be carrying three babies as He comes to meet her!


If you would like to contact Erin personally, her email address is erineve@yahoo.com

Finding My Way Home - Eve's Story Part 5

For five weeks now, we've been following the story of "Eve" a woman who has kept the secret of an abortion buried for many years.  Here is Part 5 of her story.  Her identity will be revealed this weekend at Firm Foundation Ministries.   

Who is Eve?  Here are more details!

If They Only Knew - Part 1

A New Voice - Part 2

The Darkest Hour - Part 3

Going Through the Motions - Part 4

I sat chewing the blue cap of my pen.  I was in the back corner of a classroom trying to listen to my professor speaking about Children’s literature.  Still, I can’t help my daydreaming.  My eyes shift towards the window where I see people walking to their next class.  Were any of them at the Campus Crusade meeting I had been to?   I wonder what it would be like to have such peace like the people I saw there.  What would it feel like to be released from this heavy weight I feel in the core of my being?  To feel so free I could raise my hands and sing praises to the Lord like Joanna did last night.

To me it’s obvious the kids at Campus Crusades have never done anything to make them feel so bad…so…so dirty.  It would be wonderful to only have something minor - a small sin of some sort on my resume.  Why couldn’t I have been a “good girl?”  Why did I think it was ok to give myself away to Jim?  Why didn’t I value myself…respect myself enough to wait? 

I don’t know much about the Bible, but I’m sure in there somewhere it talks about sinners going to Hell.  I wonder if I even brought my Bible to State with me!  It’s likely under my bed back home.  I have to get my hands on one somehow!  Scary as it is, I have to know what the Bible says about girls like me.  I have to know if there’s any hope, 'cause much as I know I deserve it, I sure don’t want to go to Hell.

Suddenly I realize I’m the only one left sitting as my classmates pile out the door.  Grabbing my backpack I swiftly walk down the steps and out the door of the old brick building.  Mentally flipping through my options, I wonder if I could sneak a peek at Joanna’s Bible then just as quickly shook my head no!  If she caught me she’d ask too many questions when I tell her what I’m looking for - and I’m not about to answer them. 

Then it hits me….go to the bookstore!  Deciding to skip lunch, I walk swiftly across campus, hoping against hope that I’ll find my answer. 

My heart starts to beat a little faster and my stomach feels uneasy as I walk down the self-help aisle.   “Self-help”…that seems funny, I tell myself.  I bet there’s not a single book on these shelves that can help me!  Tipping my head to the right I begin scanning a myriad of titles – “Letting Go When It Hurts,”  “Healing After Adultery”, “What To Do When He Cheats”.  My heart sinks a bit when I realize there’s nothing for me.  Where are the books titled, “How To Heal After Killing Your Child” or “Finding Peace After Abortion”?

I feel defeated for a moment, and then I see it…The Holy Bible!  Right in middle of the shelf, there they are – white ones, red ones, brown…pink… black…. Bibles for men… Bibles for women - so many options!   I slowly reach for the black one – seems more appropriate for me.

“Can I help you?” a tall, skinny girl appears out of nowhere next to me.

I freeze watching her glance first at me, then the Bible in my hand.  Why did I feel like a kid caught with my hand in the cookie jar?  “Um, no… no thanks,” my face is burning and I want to get out of there, “I…I’m good.”  She smiles kindly, likely confused at my odd behavior then walks away.

Glancing up and down the aisle, assuring myself I was once again alone, I gently open the book with a shaky hand.  How long has it been since I read my Bible at home, three years?  Maybe four?  I used to enjoy reading the teen Bible I was given for catechism.  I had even memorized a few verses and I remembered enjoying Proverbs and Psalms too!  But now as I stand here holding this Holy book, I feel so ashamed. 

Does Jesus know that I’m sorry about what I did?  Does Jesus know that I need Him?  Ha, I’m sure He doesn’t want me anymore.  A tear falls on the page and I quickly shut it and wipe my face dry.  Feeling like I’m going to start bawling I shove the Bible back on the shelf, grab my backpack and make a beeline for the door.  Glancing up I see a sign – one that takes me back to that moment in the clinic.  Familiar red letters glare down at me as if to warn me.  “That’s right,” I tell myself, “time to make an EMERGENCY EXIT.  But, oh, if only!” The ever-present blanket of regret wraps itself tightly around me, “If only I had walked out the escape door on that horrid day at the clinic. “But you didn’t, Eve, you didn’t!”

*********

 

The next several weeks crawl slowly by until, at last, finals week has begun.  It’s so difficult to cram for five major exams when all I can think about is everything I have heard at Campus Crusades over the last three weeks.  After I had attended that initial meeting, I found myself wanting to go back - mostly out of curiosity.  Perhaps, I was clinging to a hope that I too can be “reborn”.  At least that’s what the girl in the meeting last week called it.  I’m still convinced it’s impossible for someone like me, but it’s a nice thought.  It helps ease the pain of the knife in my heart – at least for a moment. 

 

I feel a pang of sadness as I throw some clothes and shoes in a box.  Packing up our cozy dorm room to head home for the summer break is not as exciting as I had anticipated it would be.  It feels so safe here with Joanna.  Back home I’ll have to hide the truth again. 

Taping the final box of books shut, I sit on the floor with my head on my knees.  Joanna was still in class, and I was alone.  The words that a pretty girl named Samantha spoke at the last Crusades meeting were branded in my mind.  Tears flowed down her face as she told how she had been made new through Christ, “I’ve been reborn!” The excitement was evident in her voice.  “Jesus has forgiven me from my past!”  She had paused for a moment to collect her thoughts, then went on, “The blood of Jesus is sufficient to cover any and every sin I have ever committed.  If you don’t believe me, check out 1 John 1:7 or Psalm 130.” 

I found 1 John in the index at the front of the Bible I had found on a table by the door and thumbed towards the back of the Book. “But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.”  Samantha was still speaking and I couldn’t remember the other verses she had mentioned. “You see, I didn’t save myself for my husband!  For so long I lived a life of promiscuity.  I was really looking for love and acceptance.  I was longing for a way to fill the empty void in my life, but I never found true peace and love until I met Jesus!” 

Even now, twenty-four hours later, her final words keep playing in my mind… “There is no sin too great for God to forgive… there is no sin too great for God to forgive…”    I jump off the bed, grabbed my wallet and find myself nearly jogging back towards the bookstore.   I must see for myself it that is true.  How can it be?  No sin too great for God to forgive?

With shaky fingers I put down the cash and faintly smile at the same girl from several weeks ago.  She smiles back and touches my hand as she softly says, “My personal favorite is in Psalms.  Chapter one-hundred-thirty.”  Surprised I look up, wasn’t that the verses Samantha had mentioned last night?  I whisper a shy “thank you” and take the book she had carefully wrapped in tissue paper.

 

“Psalms one-thirty… Psalms one-thirty… Psalms one-thirty,” I repeat her words over and over for fear I would forget them again.   Reaching the commons area, I look around and walk quickly to an empty table in the back corner.  My heart starts pounding wildly as I unwrap the Bible, careful not to bend its leather cover or crease the thin pages.  “Psalms, Psalms...found it!  Ok, chapter one hundred thirty,” my finger scrolls down the narrow column, searching, “Here it is!” I duck my head closer to the words as I drink them in.

If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,

For with the LORD is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption.

My eyes fill with tears.  I know this has to be true.  It’s right here in God’s word.  But how can He forgive me?  I turn back to 1 John 1:7 again, reading the refreshing words over and over.  It feels like an ice cold drink of water after a long run.  I can’t get enough.  My eyes drop further down the page to verse nine.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just

and will forgive us our sins and purify us

from all unrighteousness.

How my heart races as I read on and on.  A laugh from somewhere deep inside escapes me as tears drip on the pages.   I read it once more before gathering my bag and hurriedly making my way out the back doors.  Stepping outside I feel the warm sunshine on my face.  There’s no one nearby and I feel a spring in my step as I look up to the sky with a smile. 

********

Saying goodbye to Joanna and all the friends I made over freshman year is not easy.  “It’ll only be a few months and we’ll all be back together.” Joanna says with a smile.  “Let’s share an apartment next year,” she suggests as I wave goodbye and pull out of the parking lot.  My little red car is loaded down with all my gear.  Excitement fills me as I pull on to the highway and set the cruise for the four hour drive towards home.

 

My mind begins to tire two hours later so I shut the radio off and roll down the windows.  Switching lanes, I notice the new Bible peeking out of my tote bag on the seat next to me. 

 

Suddenly the GOD HATES YOU sign from the clinic flashes before my eyes.  “Will it ever stop,” I yell out.  My temperature begins rising I shout towards the sky, “God can’t forgive what I have done.  I’m no good.  I’m no good to You, Lord!” 

 

I want so badly to believe that I can be cleansed from my sin and the guilt to be washed away, but those visions of the sign torment me constantly.  I can’t see how I can have value to God after what I’ve done!

 

The steady stream of oncoming lights from the opposite lane buzzing by me brings me to a dark low I hadn’t felt since I wanted to run myself to death.  “What if… what if I just slowly cross over to the other lane in front of the next semi?”  My breathing is shallow and my fingertips feel cold and clammy.  “Come on, Eve, just a few feet to the left and all this pain would end.”  The visions of that terrible day in the clinic would be gone.  The fiery sign so boldly burned into my memory would disappear.  I could stop having to keep up the act and putting on my mask – the one that told the world I was a happy-go-lucky college student.  I deserve to be punished.  My eyes blur with tears as I peer at the speedometer… seventy-two!  Screaming now, I cry out, “What can I do?  I’m so sorry!  I'm just so sorry!”   

 

A blaring horn from a close call jolts me back into the urgency to slow down and gain control before I cause a major accident.  Easing my foot off the accelerator I grab for the Bible on the seat next to me.  Holding it up to my chest I pull off at a quiet gas station.  Only twenty miles to go and I’ll be home, but I just can’t go on anymore.  I’m just too burdened with guilt and shame.   Pounding my head on the steering wheel I shove a fist in my mouth to stifle the sobs I can no longer control.  Several minutes pass by before I sit back and catch my breath.  Slowly, I feel something new deep inside.  Something I haven’t felt in years…..I want to pray!

 

“Father…..Oh Father…I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.  I have not been able to accept your mercy and forgiveness, but I want to so badly.  Help me Lord.”

 

When I open my eyes, I sit numb and exhausted from the ride of emotions I had just been on.  It felt good to pray.  Maybe actually talking to God will help me, since I can’t talk to anyone else.  Lifting my hand to start the car again, the Bible on my lap falls open to John chapter eight.  I sit entranced, astounded by the story of a woman caught in adultery.  The people had brought her to Jesus – wanting to have her stoned.  Somehow I feel like I can relate to her!  I should be stoned too!  But I stop, stunned when I read Jesus’ response to her, “I do not condemn you, Go on your way and from now on sin no more.  I am the Light of the world.  He who follows Me will not be walking in the dark, but will have the Light which is Life.”

Light!  Life!  No more darkness!  A genuine smile and mended heart I clung to the words I had just read as I make the final miles home.  Over and over I lift my voice to sing a song I had learned as a child, “Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me.”  The truth is beginning to take root in my heart for the first time in my life.  He wanted me!  He loved me!  He was willing to forgive me!  All I had to do was ask!

 

Pulling into my parent’s driveway, my attention is fixed on the flag slowly rippling in the breeze on daddy’s flagpole.  It strikes me odd how I picture the pole as a cross and the flag as Jesus.  I put the car in park and sit there just staring.  The still small voice speaks softly to my soul and a comforting warmth envelops me like never before, “Come to me.  Eve, won’t you come to me?”  With a joyful heart I burst from the car leaving the door wide open and run, falling to my knees at the foot of flagpole. 

 

Sobbing I cry out, “Father, I come to You broken.  I am hungry for You and want to know You.  Please Lord, come into my heart and make me new… and clean.  I admit I am a sinner and I want to stop trying to hide from You.  I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins and it’s truly a gift that I don’t deserve.  My sins have separated me from You.  Father, I’m so sorry.  I want to turn away from the darkness of my past and live for You.  I believe Jesus is alive and that You hears my prayers.  Thank You for that, oh Father.  Please send Your Holy Spirit to help me obey and to do Your will for the rest of my life.  In Jesus name I pray…Amen.”

 

Rolling over onto my back in the soft green grass, I open my eyes and stare up at the starry sky for a moment.  Peace floods my weary soul and I let out joyful shout…”HALLELUJAH”!   I relish the feeling – something I’d longed for so many years, yet never thought would be mine to cherish.

Finally I rise. It’s time to go inside. I hesitate at the door of my mom and daddy’s house and turn to look back at the flag pole – back where I’d found my redemption.  The moonlight casts a sheen of light across the yard.  It is quiet.  Calm.  A weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  For so long I had felt imprisoned by my sin.  At times I was sure I could hear the clank of the chains with each step I took, every move I made and every single beat of my heart, but now, I felt light!  I felt free! 

I blink and rub my eyes, unsure if what I'm seeing is reality or simply my imagination.  Either way, I knew what I saw was a gift for me from my Jesus.  No longer could I feel the weight I had carried, no longer did I hear the clanking of each heavy rusty link, for there in the matted grass where I had given my life to Jesus was a big, rusty heap of chains.

Going Through The Motions: Eve's Story Part 4

If They Only Knew -Part 1

 A New Voice - Part 2

The Darkest Hour - Part 3

Who is Eve?

Going Through The Motions 

I quickly took a hot shower and freshened up a bit.  As I was brushing my hair out, I looked in the mirror and for the first time I saw a twinkle in my eyes.  What was that I was feeling?  Could it possibly be?  For the first time in over a year, I felt a glimmer of HOPE! 

I looked at the note again, “Whatever is hurting you can be healed.”  

 

 “NO!” I shook my head furiously and snapped back at the girl in the mirror. “There is no hope for you!”  I so desperately wished that Joanna’s note was true, but she just didn’t know the truth about me.  I was not salvageable. I had gone too far. What I had done was unforgivable.  I was damaged goods.

 

Grabbing my purse, I opened the door.  I needed some fresh air and a walk would do me some good.  It was a brisk evening and I pulled my sweatshirt a little tighter as I strolled slowly along the tree lined sidewalks of campus.  Had anyone else ever walked these paths feeling as lost and alone as I did?  I was simply wandering, not knowing where I was going – much like my life. 

 

The flickering stars overhead captured my attention.  I stood gazing at the sky and felt a tug in my heart as Joanna’s words ran thru my head again, “God loves us all, no matter what we have done.” 

 

“How can that be true?” my voice is loud, but I don’t care.  I stood staring… just… staring up at the inky sky.  How long I was there, I don’t remember.  I heard no answer - only the soft whisper of the breeze pushing its way through the trees behind me.  Finally the kink in my neck along with the tight lump in my throat told me it was time to move along.

 

The sidewalk soon led me to a quieter section of campus.  Startled, I looked up when I heard music in the distance. Searching for the source of the beautiful sound I realized it was coming from the auditorium straight ahead.  My intention hadn’t been to come to Campus Crusade, but the four double doors stood open before me and I hesitantly walked towards them. 

 

What kind of singing was this?  I didn’t want to stop walking, but as I got closer my heart began beating faster and faster.  Through an open window, I could see the seats were full, though surely there was room for one more person!  Still, I could not make myself go in.  My feet stopped as if anchored under heavy cement and the words of the song reached me clearly now. 

 

I will call upon the Lord

Who is worthy to be praised.

So shall I be safe from my enemy.

I will call upon the Lord.

 

I couldn’t stop them - the tears, they… they just came streaming down my face as I sank down onto the bottom step of the building.  Holding my head in my hands I rocked back and forth unable to be free of the consuming pain… the agony that was like a fire in my chest.  It spread from my belly up into my throat reaching my eyes, burning… just burning.  Surely it was as hot as the flames of the hell I deserved. 

 

But oh, this was not what I wanted!  This… this day-by-day struggle, the pain of self-hatred, the weight of my guilt… the… the sorrow of my loss… this was not the life I had longed for.  This was not what I had wished for as a little girl.  What I was living now was simply a façade.  Everyone thought I was the all American girl.  The sweet happy mask I pulled on my face each morning before leaving my dorm room was doing a great job of hiding the ugly truth, and no one knew just how deeply wounded I was. 

 

By this point of my life, Jim had started dating other girls.  I didn’t really miss him; still, I felt no other guy in the world would want me once they knew my secret.  I wished I could talk to my mom… or my daddy.  I had always been daddy’s little girl, but I had hidden the truth so well from both my parents, why should I break their hearts now?  I could hardly bear the disappointment I was sure to see in their eyes if they knew what their little girl had done.

 

I hurt.  Oh, how I hurt!  I felt so trapped and alone!  I longed… no…I yearned to be free.  To be happy!  My heart ached for some small taste of joy… of hope – if only for a moment.  How I wanted to do just as the singing voices were suggesting.  How I wished I could call upon the Lord.  How I longed to be safe from my enemy… even if that enemy was myself. 

 

Footsteps were coming and I dashed away the tears quickly.  “Great, just great!” Glancing around, I discovered there was nowhere to hide.  “How embarrassing is this?”  

 

“Hey you, what’s wrong?” It was Jake, Joanna’s boyfriend. 

 

“It’s nothing,” I sniffed, trying to regain my composure. 

 

“Come sit with me and Joanna,” He seemed so friendly and kind as he gestured towards the open doors.  “Joanna was hoping you’d come,” he went on, seeing my hesitation.  I stood as if to join him then stopped. 

 

Staring down at my yellow flip flops I was suddenly unable to look him in the eye, “I shouldn’t be here.”  I whispered.

 

A sympathetic smile filled Jake’s face and he took my hand while pulling me towards the stairs, “I think you’re right where you need to be, Eve.”

 

To my relief, no one seemed to notice us slip into the room and join Joanna who had been saving two seats for us.  A cold fear clawed at my heart.  I was sure there was a flashing neon sign on my forehead proclaiming my sin to all at this very moment.  I felt so conspicuous… so… so sure that the truth of what I’d done was obvious to everyone in the room.  I wondered what they’d do if they knew!

Joanna had her hands up in the air and was smiling as she sang.  Her head tipped back, eyes closed and I noticed the lights overhead cast a glow across her face.  Hoping my mascara wasn’t smeared, I dabbed my face dry with my sleeve and made a feeble attempt to straighten up my hair. 

 

What were these kids doing?  Some were up front kneeling together in small groups, while others were crying but, like Joanna, had smiles on their faces.  Jake nudged Joanna and she turned and hugged me for a moment. 

 

“What on earth is everyone doing?” I questioned.  I’d grown up going to church, but the services I had attended were nothing like this. 

 

“Worshiping!” She answered, the ever-present smile still on her face.  Seeing my uncertainty, she went on, “You don’t have to do anything, Eve, just sit and listen if you want.”   After a few more songs, everyone sat down and a guy in a gray T-shirt and jeans went up on the stage.  As he began talking, Joanna leaned over and whispered, “Isn’t the music great?” 

 

“I’ve never heard anything like it,” I said, my tone hushed.  Joanna looked surprised, so I went on.  “My church back home is pretty dry. It’s usually all I can do to stay awake during a service.” 

 

“Didn’t you sing praise songs?”  She asked, genuinely interested. 

 

I chuckle quietly at the thought of songs like this being played in my church. “I don’t think that this would have flown with the blue hairs.” I watch as the meaning of my words sink in, and then continued. “I was the youngest person in my church by about thirty years.” She covers her mouth to hide a giggle and glances at Jake.  He smiles at us and I feel a pang of jealousy as he grabs her hand and kisses it.  My heart sinks as I realize I’ll never know a love like they have.  No good man will want me.  I’ve seen Jake and Joanna reading together under a tree on the grassy hill at the edge of campus.  I’ve heard them praying together when he’d walk her up to our room, and my heart would melt as he’d pray for their purity and ask God for guidance in their relationship. 

 

I just couldn’t imagine what that must feel like to be loved so deeply… so…so purely.  I turn and look away, reminded once more of the burden I must carry and the painful truth.  I should never allow myself to imagine being loved like Jake loved Joanna. 

 

Because love like that?  It’s not for girls like me. 

The guy in the gray shirt was still speaking, “In closing tonight, I feel so strongly that someone here needs to know that God is a forgiving God.  Right now He is calling your name!  He loves you!”  He paused and scanned the crowd of college kids.  My heart was pounding so hard I feared it would explode in my chest.  “He loves you no matter who you are or what you’ve done!” 

Piano music began playing softly.  I was mesmerized by the beauty of the music and the tenderness in the speaker’s voice.   “Come, let us pray for you.  Don’t waste another day… another moment of your life fighting that longing… that loneliness in your heart.”  A young couple two rows ahead of me stepped into the aisle and went forward.  Quickly, several others stepped out of their rows and surrounded them, laying their hands on them and praying.  To my left, another person, a young guy in khaki shorts and a State sweatshirt was fighting back tears.  Suddenly, he too, was walking up the aisle, still brushing tears from his eyes.  I bit my lip and looked back down at my feet.  The pink nail polish on my big toe was chipped, “I should go get a pedicure tomorrow.  Maybe a manicure too.”  My thoughts did little to block out the pulsing beat coursing through my veins.

“Jesus is calling your name!”  The voice up front spoke again.  “Do you hear Him?  Come let Him carry your burdens!  He wants to heal your pain!  He wants nothing more than to fill your life with peace and joy!  Let Him love on you tonight!” 

That was it!  I couldn’t wait another moment.  With a quick glance at Joanna, I eased myself out into the aisle.  I stood looking at the cross above the podium for a brief moment, then, head down, I turned towards the door and stepped back into the darkness.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Darkest Hour: Eve's Story Part 3

If They Only Knew: Eve's Story Part 1

A New Voice: Eve's Story Part 2

The Darkest Hour: Eve's Story Part 3

What made me walk through those doors?  What was it?  Why didn’t I run?   I moan and roll over curling up into a ball on the bed in my dorm.  Tears are burning in my eyes and I rub them, trying to keep them at bay.   As much as I’d like to forget those moments in the clinic, they seemed burned into my mind and I fear I’ll never be able to stop having flashbacks of that day.  The memories appear so randomly… so unexpectedly, I think I’m going to go nuts!

 

Just yesterday, for example, I was at the mall with Joanna.  We were waiting in line to get a pretzel when I saw a lady pushing a baby stroller.   Instantly I felt like someone had punched me in the gut and I could see the cold look on the doctor’s face again. 

 

“You want cheese on your pretzel?”  I snapped out of my reverie thankful to be interrupted by the girl behind the counter.  Almost too quickly, I nodded, “Yes please!”  My voice was louder than necessary, but at least it covered up the voice in my head – if but for a moment.  My attempt was futile, and I was once again in that room hearing those comfortless words, “this is only going to hurt for a little while.” 

 

“Ha!” I stab the pretzel into the cheese, my appetite now gone, “Hurt for a little while?  If he only knew!”

 

Feeling a twinge of panic at the memories piling on top of each other, I walk to the sink, fill my cup with water, and stand staring at myself in the mirror.  The day at the mall had been one thing, but here today I was torn between sheer terror of the mental pictures flipping through my mind and the need to relive it – if only to punish myself.  The girl in the mirror remembers.  She glares back at me, appalled. 

 

Unable to hold back the flood of memories, I collapse on the bed again, and give in to the memories.  I am there again.  I can hear the hum of office chatter behind the counter where a stiff woman behind the desk seems busy with hushed phone calls, never looking up.    Once again I see myself sitting on the edge of vinyl covered chairs in the waiting room.  Jim is there beside me and I’m stunned at his ability to calmly flip through the latest Sports Illustrated while we wait.

 

A part of me wants so badly to take his hand, to put it on my stomach, but the thought of touching him repulses me.  This was just a "quick fix" to him, but deep in my soul I knew.  I knew better than this!  

 

Laughter catches my attention from a few chairs away.  Another young couple, similar to Jim and me, only her boyfriend seemed to care how she felt.  He kept whispering in her ear, his arm around her, holding her close.  Whatever he was saying was making her laugh. 

 

“How strange,” I think and continue scanning the room.  There are two other women waiting as well – both much older than me completely entranced by the soaps on the TV in the corner.  I start to sweat and shake a little.  What did these women think?  That this was an appointment to get their teeth cleaned? 

 

Why didn’t I stand up and scream at them all to run?

 

“Run…run…run!”  And, why didn’t I run?  I could have!  I could have gotten up and ran out into the street and called for a cab.  I could have stood up to those people with the signs.  I could have!

 

Why? Why? Why?

 

Suddenly I can’t stop sobbing, my pillow is soaked and I wish I hadn’t let myself think about it this far.  I really should start studying.  But what was the point?  My plan was to become a teacher but why should I now?  Who would want me to teach their kids?  I know I wouldn’t! 

 

Realizing I didn’t have the energy to study, I close my eyes tightly and remember so vividly the tiny bathroom the nurse led me to. 

“Take all your clothes off and put this on.”  The thin paper robe she hands me is cold to the touch.  I’m shaking uncontrollably as I fumble through the instructions.  What was I doing here?  I had never even had a single gynecological exam in my life.  I felt so alone… so… so dirty, but I thought this is what would remove the loneliness and filth I felt. 

 

Still shaking, I reach for the door knob and peered down the hall towards the waiting area.  No one was there. A strand of hair fell out of my ponytail and the tears made it stick to my face.  Looking the other direction, I froze.  There, down the long, cold, narrow hall was a single metal door with a sign above.  The words were lit up in red, as if to beckon me - EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY and I hear the still small voice, “Run…come to me!”  I stood frozen, wondering how many other girls had stood in this exact spot, pondering the irony of the words hanging there in red. 

 

Then someone comes up beside me, takes my arm and, rather firmly, leads me into the room across the hall.

 

What a blur those next horrid moments.  The few moments that changed my life forever.  I can still feel the two nurses, one on each side of me, holding my arms down.  They acted like they were there to comfort the doomed on the table, but I found no comfort in their hurried words. 

 

“Just need to remove some tissue,” one said, as they busied themselves with straightening my robe and jotting down notes for the doctor.  Neither woman looks at me and I am once again overcome with an awareness of how alone I am.  Couldn’t they see it?  Didn’t they know?   As they stood talking back and forth to one another about their recent vacations, I closed my eyes and sobbed.  They seemed oblivious to the dark pit I was falling into.  Not only was my child being ripped from me –so was my heart. 

 

I knew I’d never be the same.   

 

********

 

How I got to the recovery room, I do not know.  I must have passed out from the pain.  There hadn’t been enough cash in Jim’s envelope to pay for the anesthesia, but somehow that seemed appropriate to me.  I didn’t deserve any relief from the pain. 

 

As I lay there in a softly light room, a scratchy blanket pulled up to my chin, I knew no amount of anesthetics in the world would bring relief for this new-found pain in my heart either.  I tried to sit up, but the pain was too much to bear.  I cried out for Jim, but he was nowhere to be found. 

 

A soft voice nearby speaks up, “Just take it easy sweetie.”  I slowly turn my head and open my eyes for the first time.  There in a semi-circle were four other girls lying back on reclining chairs, munching crackers and sipping on Sprite.  I’m shocked!   How could they eat?  How could they be so… so calm?  And how… how can they look so at ease? 

 

The girl closest to me casts a sympathetic look my direction, “It won’t hurt very long - probably just a week or so.”  I stare at her in disbelief.  I have no words to say.  She goes on, “This time wasn’t as bad as the first time for me.”  She’s calm and relaxed while I wonder how she could do this twice.  How could she be so oblivious to the reality of her choice?  I can’t help but want to get away from her.  

 

“I want my boyfriend,” my words are little more than a jumbled mess.  “Where’s Jim?” I feel panic - he has to get me out of here! 

 

“Oh honey,” the girl’s voice grates on my nerves, “they don’t allow the guys back here.” 

 

“Of course not!” I think to myself, “Why should they have to witness this pain?”   I gingerly roll over to my side and close my eyes.  The man with the sign outside is all I can see, and I shudder.  GOD HATES YOU.  GOD HATES YOU.  GOD HATES YOU. 

 

Now I believe it!  

 

I hate me too.

 

*********

 

Funny how some memories remain crystal clear while others are little more than a hazy blur.  I don’t remember getting to the car that muggy afternoon, but I clearly remember wanting, no, needing to hide.  The thought of those people – the ones with the signs – seeing me, was more than I could bear. 

 

Even if they were right. 

 

Jim’s face was clouded with uncertainty as he drove towards the highway, “Are you going to be okay?”  What a sight I must have been, crying and moaning and screaming out from the floor of the car - curled up in a ball as if he wasn’t even there.  “Come on and get something to eat, you’ll feel better Babe.”  He sounded so confident as he drove up to a drive thru. 

 

“What’s wrong with you,” I screamed at him.  My voice was severe and guttural.  “I don’t want to eat!  I want to die!” 

 

By the time he dropped me off at home hours later, I was in a stone cold state of shock and self-hatred.  Jim opened my car door to help me out.  I stopped for a moment and stared at him, “Leave me alone!”  My words sounded harsh, but didn’t care as I scuffled past him and into the house. 

 

He stood slump shouldered watching me walk away, “You’ll be ok babe, just give it some time.”  How relieved he must have felt.   His problem taken care of and now he can go off to college.  College, ha!  I realized in that moment that I didn’t care about college!  No, I didn’t care about anything.  I had done the unthinkable, and I’m no good anymore.

 

The following days were spent trying to hide my wounded soul.  I hid the tears, the nightmares, and the heartbreak by putting on the best acting performance I could muster up.  I remember lying on my bed in the dark with tears streaming and thinking that I must die! 

 

One bit of advice I remembered the nurse telling me in the recovery room was to refrain from any physical activity for at least six weeks, or I was at risk of hemorrhaging.  In my pit of self-hate, that was the best thing I had heard all day!  I finally had a glimmer of hope - a way to get rid of the pain, because the next morning was to begin the vigorous conditioning of volleyball camp. 

 

As if on a mission, I ran, and ran, and ran. I ran the massive flight of stairs in the gym before practice.  I ran after practice.  I ran until I puked. And then I ran some more!

 

I blocked out “that” voice in my head that kept saying “you are not alone”, instead listening to the sound of my shoes beating out a rhythm on the pavement, “mur-der-er, mur-der-er…” 

 

Was I running to get away from that voice that offered me comfort, or simply to die, I do not know, I only knew I had to keep moving in an effort to get away from my painful thoughts!

 

The ache I was feeling would not subside, but it wasn’t a physical pain.  No, this hurt was much deeper.  I can only describe it as an agonizing pain in the very core of my soul, and I knew there was only one way to make this kind of pain go away!  Finally one day I thought I might actually achieve my goal of ending it all.  

 

I was standing in line to get a drink after a hard two hour practice when I collapsed to the floor.  When I came to, my teammates face was close to my own, her voice full of fear, “Eve, Eve,” she struggled to hold me up against the wall.  “Eve, you’re bleeding really bad!”  I blinked slowly and let a smile crawl lazily up my face, “Good!”  Her look of fear quickly turned to confusion but I wasn’t about to explain.

 

The weeks went by and I sank into a secret lull of depression.  Summer turned into fall and I never succeeded in my attempt at bleeding to death, and soon the nightmares and insomnia were attacking me hard. 

 

Oh, how I fooled everyone!  I kept my horrid secret hidden deep inside, but never allowing myself to feel joy – not even in the moment I stood in the spotlight being crowned Homecoming queen!

 

The sound of girls startled me, and I realized I must have fallen asleep on my bunk.  It was starting to get dark outside and I had no idea how long I had been out.  I sat up and noticed a note Joanna had left while I was asleep.  I rubbed my eyes as I reached for it.  The monsters of my past two years had so thoroughly tormented me earlier, I struggled to get my bearings. 

 

Opening the note, I read quickly,

 

Dear Evie,

You were sleeping and I could tell you had been crying so I didn’t want to wake you.  Whatever is hurting you can be healed.  Trust me and come to Campus Crusades tonight.  I’ll save you a seat.              

Love, Joanna

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Note:  You can meet Eve on June 26th.  She will be speaking at Firm Foundation Ministries.  Here are the details!