Vincy's testimony and transparency is so refreshing and encouraging! Be sure to watch her speak near the end. You'll find more encouragement from Vincy here, at Vincy Speaks.
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| Living proof of God's Redemption Erin, Vincy and me |
Showing posts with label Hannah's Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hannah's Story. Show all posts
Monday, July 9, 2012
Redemption Sunday Video
If you missed Redemption Sunday where we revealed the identity of Hannah, you can watch it here.
Vincy's testimony and transparency is so refreshing and encouraging! Be sure to watch her speak near the end. You'll find more encouragement from Vincy here, at Vincy Speaks.
Vincy's testimony and transparency is so refreshing and encouraging! Be sure to watch her speak near the end. You'll find more encouragement from Vincy here, at Vincy Speaks.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Hannah Revealed - Part 10
If you are unfamiliar with the Redemption Story of Hannah - you might want to start reading here.
In each of the stories I write, my hope is that others will see themselves in the characters on the page.
Hannah came into my life on a snowy winter night many years ago. Joy seemed to exude from her and though our encounter was short, I never forget her. Through the next years, Hannah was in and out of my life - always cheerful... always happy. Her life appeared fabulous and exciting in comparison to my own.
In each of the stories I write, my hope is that others will see themselves in the characters on the page.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this story is being concluded a week from Father’s Day. Men, if you have a little girl, this story is for you! You may never fully understand how important your place is in the lives of your children. You can provide all the toys, the clothes, and food they’ll ever want, but no amount of value can be placed on your time.
Your daughters need to hear you say, “I love you”, “you’re awesome!”, “you look beautiful today” and “I’m so proud to be your dad”. I would venture to say that your focused time and attention on your daughter could save her a world of heartache in the end.
And ladies, let this story remind you that there is only one source of unfailing love in this world. Many of us have chased after meaning and purpose and beauty and value. But no one, and no thing is able to fill that void without eventually letting us down!
Hear me when I say this. You cannot expect your beauty, your parents, your friends, your boyfriend, your spouse, your kids... you can’t expect them to be the source by which you measure your value.
As flawed human beings are all unable to provide a perfect love for another - why should we expect it in return?
Psalm 48, reminds us to ponder God’s love in action.
Your name, oh God, evokes a train of Hallelujahs!
Your arms are heaped with goodness in action.
Let us see Your wonderful works.
Let us recognize Your desire to pour out that
love and goodness into our own lives.
Who Is Hannah?
Hannah came into my life on a snowy winter night many years ago. Joy seemed to exude from her and though our encounter was short, I never forget her. Through the next years, Hannah was in and out of my life - always cheerful... always happy. Her life appeared fabulous and exciting in comparison to my own.
A battle with depression and bitterness had stolen too much from me already and I was sure Hannah would never understand the pain buried deep within my heart. Years passed by and eventually, I too discovered the gift of God’s redemptive love. So when I had the opportunity to hear Hannah tell her life’s story, I was reminded once again that we must never judge a book by it’s cover.
You see, Hannah had every reason to quit. She had every excuse to give up. Still, she discovered her value - her worth, when she saw herself through the eyes of her Creator. Though her story is one of heartache and pain, she is a reflection of God’s redemptive power. He is the reason for her joy!
Today, Hannah is a light not only to her family and friends, but also her community. Each morning she rises up and blesses thousands with a love that can only come from Jesus. Her cheerful voice and contagious laughter is recognized by many as it carries across the airwaves and into our lives. You may know her best as half of WFRN’s morning show - Doug and Vincy in the Morning, and I’m honored to be able to reveal her true identity to you,
Her name is Vincy Williamowski!
Vincy, along with her husband Tom and their five beautiful children came to my home church, FFM, this morning to worship with us and to reveal her identity as the Hannah in this story. Vincy’s testimony is amazing and I’m blessed to call her my friend!
You can hear her each weekday morning on WFRN or, like myself, enjoy those morsels of encouragement she doles out on occasion through her Facebook page - Vincy Speaks.
Monday, June 4, 2012
At Peace - Hannah's Story Part 9
Hannah's Redemption Story
At Peace
Part 9
Years have passed since the day I found Jesus there at my kitchen table.
My, how life has changed.
I’ll never forget the look in Thomas’ eyes as I walked down the aisle to marry him that beautiful June day. My heart melted with love for him, and I thanked God for blessing me with a man who would love and cherish me... just as I am. Thomas truly is my gift from God.
Funny how life can take you full circle at times. It was only recently when I once again found myself in a beautiful garden. The grass beneath my feet was cold and soggy from yet another Indiana winter and the tall trees beyond where I stood hung their branches overhead, biding their time until they would yet again clap their leaves in the summertime breezes.
Sorrow squeezed at my heart, and I brushed at the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes.
He was gone. Daddy.
This time, his disappearance from my life would not be heralded by tail lights in the night, but rather the white of rose petals on a coffin and the gray of a tombstone.
He was gone.
The little girl in the garden stood with me. Her hand in mine and together we grieved. Still, there was a tranquility in her eyes, for though she had suffered much pain and disappointment, she and Daddy had made their peace and somehow constructed a relationship out of the fragments of the broken past. I knew she would be ok.
And so would I.
That night after the children had been tucked into bed, I stepped outside to watch the night sky. Thinking of Daddy, of gardens, and goodbyes. And as I stood there, I realized how much like the Hannah of the Bible my life had been.
That Hannah had spent years pursuing the one thing she wanted most - a child. She had begged, pleaded, fought and cried, yet her desires were not granted. Then one day, she’d promised God to give her child back to him in service to him, if only he would bless her with a son.
God’s answer was yes, and in response, Hannah worshipped.
I considered how quickly the time must have been before Hannah was placing her much-loved son into the care of those at the Temple.
Didn’t her mother-heart break? But again, she worshipped. Her heart rejoiced and she declared to all who listened that God rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope!
I laughed with delight! That was it!
I, like Hannah, had held a longing in the core of my being for so long. I had pursued the love and acceptance I hadn’t found in my father’s care as a child. And, like Hannah, I had found the fulfillment of my dreams through the promises of my Abba Father. He would never leave me or forsake me.
But now? The letting go? It hurt. Goodbyes always carry some measure of pain. But I saw in Hannah an abundant joy from knowing she was complete - with or without the fulfillment of her earthly desires held tightly in her arms.
Complete because of the One Who kept her in His care.
I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, hoping to ward off the chilly winter air. And I smiled.
My journey had brought me to this very moment. This moment alone with my Father. I lifted my hands in praise to Him, for He had pulled me out of the depths of my despair and given me a life worth living. His love for me had filled the gaping hole in my heart that no other one or no other thing could fill.
He had become my everything!
In Him I had discovered that which my heart desired.
It was real.
It was perfect.
Perfect love.
So like Hannah, I worshipped.
WHO IS HANNAH? Hannah's story will conclude next Sunday, June 10th at 10:00AM at Firm Foundation Ministries - my home church. Hannah will be coming to reveal her true identity as well as testify to the grace of God in her life.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Alone... Again - Hannah's Story Part 7
Hannah's Redemption Story
Alone... Again
Part 7
“No! NO!” A book flew across the room, hit the wall and plunked to the ground. “NO!” I screamed again through clenched teeth. “How could you do this to me?” Anger and anguish melded into one inside my chest, looking for a way to escape. “How could this happen again?”
My breaths came out heavy, panicked and staccato. I shook my head, slightly at first, then allowed myself the pleasure of losing control.
He left!
He left me!
After all the plans we had made! He left!
I had quit college. I had let go of my dreams! I had given up my passion for sports and for medical school and... and... All for him! And he left!
I crumbled into a heap of tears on the bed we once shared. Never had I plunged so low as I had in that moment. Never had I hurt so deeply. When only hours before I had anticipated Mark’s arrival, anxious to share with him the discovery of new life within my womb.
He’d left.
Our wedding pictures had yet to be developed. My lovely, white, satin gown, so carefully chosen, only three months encased within its keepsake box.
And he had left.
I had stood at the door that night, suffocating with grief. The little girl from the garden had raced into the bedroom after him, once again searching for the words that could make him stay. But again, she came up empty.
I didn’t want to stay there at the window and watch him leave. But the little girl couldn’t pull herself away. She stood there, unable to stop the tears as the glow of red tail lights disappeared into the night.
Mark had taken my heart and my college fund when he left. And not only had he left me, he had left me with a monstrous credit card debt that made my head swim.
Hazy memories mingle with recollections that remain clear and focused. I stumbled through the following days, trying to find my way. I made peace with God and He sustained me through the months of my pregnancy.
I welcomed my baby boy into my arms one autumn morning. He arrived much too early and I cried as I watched his little chest fight for every breath.
My mother was my rock during those days. She stepped in and helped me with the care of this precious child as I mourned the loss of my marriage and all my shattered dreams.
My life was a mess.
For years, I had fought to bring comfort to the little girl crying at the window, but I was done.
I was undone. I was broken. Empty.
I had nothing left to give.
Anger and sorrow joined forces against me, calling out to me, inviting me to fall into their welcoming embrace, and I succumbed.
Where they would take me, I didn’t know.
Note: Through the following weeks, we will walk through "Hannah's" journey as she continues to search for acceptance and meaning in her life and her story will conclude on June 10th at Firm Foundation Ministries - my home church. Hannah will be coming to reveal her true identity as well as testify to the grace of God in her life.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Changes - Hannah's Story Part 6
Changes
Part 6
It was an evening of change.
Some expected.
Some not.
Mark treated me to dinner that night. And somewhere between the salad and the filet mignon, he asked me.
My heart stopped a moment from the sheer joy of it. I smiled through happy tears as I nodded yes. Mark reached across the table and slipped a ring on my finger and I warmed at the beauty of its sparkle in the candlelight.
“Wow! Marriage!” I giggled as I continued to caress the gold band.
I couldn’t help but think of the girl in the garden, the little girl who had watched her daddy drive away countless times.
I thought of the teenager who, while searching for value, had given up something priceless.
And I remembered the young woman and her weeks spent starving herself. The sunken eyes and protruding ribs. The search for perfection.
The memories haunted me, but didn’t steal my joy. I had come so far! Mark loved me! He wanted me for his very own.
No longer would I be left alone, wanting to be wanted. My relentless pursuit for love was over. And I had won. I would do everything in my power to be the woman, no, I smiled at the thought, the wife that Mark needed. We were going to be so, so happy.
We talked excitedly for an hour, dreaming of our future life together. Finally, I glanced at my watch. “Mark, I’m sorry, but.. I really need to get to bed. I have an assignment due in the morning, and...” My voice trailed off as I watched disappointment cloud his eyes.
“That’s something else I wanted to talk to you about, Hannah.” He reached across the table and took my hand. “You are an amazing woman. You know that, right?” I smiled but neither nodded nor objected.
“I...I’m glad you think so.”
He grinned and went on. “It’s just, I want our marriage to work. I don’t want to start our life together with so many distractions... things pulling us apart.” I searched his eyes, wondering what he was getting at. “You’re always so busy with school and sports and, well, I was thinking. Why don’t you take a break from college... just for a year or two. We’ll get married, get settled, and when life slows down a little you can get right back into school and finish your degree!”
My jaw dropped open, but I quickly snapped it shut again. Drop out? My mind began racing. I was on track to finish pre-med and... and. I stopped. It was hard for me to even consider letting go of my dreams. After all, I had a healthy college fund making this possible. Finances weren’t going to be a problem.
I voiced my thoughts, and he quickly agreed. “You’re right, Hannah, but, it’s not about the money. I’m glad the finances are there for you to finish med school, I really am, but, it’s the time that I’m worried about. With everything you have going on, when will you have time for me? For... for us?” His eyes searched my own and I melted a little. “I want us to have an incredible marriage.” He said, “One that lasts! I’m not saying ‘no’ to college for forever, I’m just suggesting you take a break... like I said... for a year or two.”
His thumb was rubbing light circles over the ring he had just placed on my finger as I sat looking at the crumpled napkin on the table in front of me. Suddenly, it all made sense. He was right! We needed this time together. If we wanted to have a firm foundation for our marriage, we had to have these years to build a solid relationship for our future family.
Love takes sacrifice, I told myself. I had given up far more for love in my lifetime already. But this, this was different. This was for a forever love. And forever love, I told myself, forever love is love worth sacrificing for.
Note: Through the following weeks, we will walk through "Hannah's" journey as she continues to search for acceptance and meaning in her life and her story will conclude on June 10th at Firm Foundation Ministries - my home church. Hannah will be coming to reveal her true identity as well as testify to the grace of God in her life.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Running - Hannah's Story Part 5
Hannah's Redemption Story
Part 3
Was it only a year ago that I had found myself in the best situation I could have imagined? I had pushed aside the pain caused by my relationship with Jack and, thankfully, had learned to live my life without him. I even took steps towards overcoming my eating disorder and was getting back to a much healthier lifestyle.
Note: Through the following weeks, we will walk through "Hannah's" journey as she continues to search for acceptance and meaning in her life and her story will conclude on June 10th at Firm Foundation Ministries - my home church. Hannah will be coming to reveal her true identity as well as testify to the grace of God in her life.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
Part 3
Running
Part 5
When it comes to wintertime, northern Indiana is less than paradise. Weeks can go by without so much as a day of golden sunlight or the various shades of blue dancing across the heavens. Clouds hang heavy, leaving the townspeople begging for a glimpse of the sun... or perhaps a refill of Vitamin D.
I sat at my desk, that afternoon. Feeling much like the weather. How long could this go on? Is this all there was to life? One disappointment after another?
“Aren’t You there, God?” I tipped my head back and stared at the ceiling. What I found left me annoyed and wishing for a can of paint. A cynical laugh slipped from my throat as I considered how nice it would be if I could erase the canvas of my life much like a gallon of Sherwin William’s Bright White Ceiling Paint could cover the residue from last summer’s resident houseflies.
Pushing back from the desk, I rummaged through my closet, pulling out my favorite running shoes. I had to get out. I had to run. Something... anything to clear the muddled messages running rampant through my brain.
I had to think.
A cold spray smacked against my skin as I stepped onto the concrete slab outside my door. I welcomed the sting. A reminder that though I felt dead within, somewhere inside my being, life still existed.
I turned left and headed for the track near the college. The wind picked up as the misty droplets gathered into more substantial pockets of rain and drenched my face. I laughed the maniacal laughter of bottled up stress... pain... loneliness... maybe even craziness. “Bring it!” I shouted to the heavens. “Bring it! I don’t care. I don’t... I don’t care.” The moisture on my face was all I needed and I sobbed. Salty tears mixing with the sweetness of winter rains upon my cheek. It felt so good. So good to cry. The rain camouflaged the tears, allowing me the liberty of crying as I jogged through the college campus.
What was my problem? Why still the constant pain? The aching void? I had to admit to myself that though full of disappointment, life hadn’t always been hard. The little girl in the garden had grown up. I glanced at my surroundings, still amazed. How quickly life had changed.
My dreams of going to college had become a reality - and I was doing well. I found joy in immersing myself into my studies and even finding success in the university’s sports program.
But more than that, I smiled at the thought, more than all my recent accomplishments, I had found love. Mark was everything I had ever wanted in a man. So why this gnawing pain deep inside?
My future was bright. I raised a gloved hand to my face and dried the tears. “That’s enough,” I told myself. Stopping next to a bench, I pretended to do a few stretches. Raising my arms above my head, I filled my lungs to capacity. The oxygen made my forehead tingle as it sent life through every cell in my body. Shaking my hands out at my side I felt rejuvenated. Alive, again. No more crying.
Mark was going to be home soon, and I needed to get ready. I still had a little homework to do before tomorrow and with the 6:00 AM workouts with my team mates, I knew my time was limited.
Whatever my problem was, I needed to get over it. My life was full. My schedule, overloaded. I was in the best place of my life! I had so, so much to be thankful for, and running around, crying in the rain was not on my list of things to do.
“Get over yourself, Hannah.” I muttered. The exercise, the cry, the inner pep talk was all I had needed, I told myself. Mark had something he wanted to talk about tonight, and the thought made me smile. Something was up. Something good! I was sure of it.
I ran the last few steps up my walkway and opened the door. I had done what I needed to do. The ache inside was simply a need to mourn the pain of my past. Now I was at the threshold of something bigger and better than ever before. Whatever Mark had up his sleeve, I knew it was God’s blessing, perhaps even His restitution, for the abandonment I still felt each time I heard my father’s voice.
I kicked my shoes off near the closet door and grabbed a towel.
A hot shower, another hour in the books and then I would be off for what was sure to be a grand evening. An evening that was sure to change the course of my life forever!
Note: Through the following weeks, we will walk through "Hannah's" journey as she continues to search for acceptance and meaning in her life and her story will conclude on June 10th at Firm Foundation Ministries - my home church. Hannah will be coming to reveal her true identity as well as testify to the grace of God in her life.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Taking Control - Hannah's Story Part 4
Hannah's Redemption Story
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Webster’s dictionary declares that “control” is to have power over. Looking back to that time of my life brings that word to me time and again.
Control.
So much loss had been mine. At such a young age. At such a high cost. And a shattered world was all I had left as I watched Jack begin relationships with other girls while I still called him ‘mine’.
Jack wanted to continue our relationship, and I allowed it. Craved it, actually. Why I didn’t see it then, I don’t know, but I found myself anticipating Jack’s arrival while making frantic attempts to perfect myself in my ever-increasing desire to win his undivided love and attention.
Anything to make him stay.
The little girl in the garden watched me. I saw the pain in her eyes, knowing she knew the panic I felt.
I hadn’t been able to make Daddy stay, and now, Jack was also slipping from my grasp. Fear ran rampant through the hallways of my mind, torturing me at every turn. In a world where chaos was the rule, I desperately needed some peace. Some control.
I found it staring back at me on my dinner plate one evening.
My body was changing, and I couldn’t say I liked what I was seeing. Though I was tall and willowy, I feared Jack would find my still-growing body thick and unattractive. I pushed the mashed potatoes aside, claiming to be full. After only a small helping of asparagus and a slice of chicken breast, I mentally patted myself on the back for the restraint I had shown.
One day followed another, and I continued to show self-control at mealtimes - though my portions became increasingly smaller. Soon, I could see the results of my efforts while standing before the bathroom mirror. I tapped my fingers over each rib, much like the keyboards of a piano and smiled. In my opinion, I was looking better everyday!
There were still some problem areas though. I could pinch the skin together on each side of my hips and stomach. And a little under my biceps.
I furrowed my brow. I couldn’t deny the other changes I was seeing as well. My once-thick locks of hair had noticeably thinned. My mother worried over the changes she was seeing. I reassured her that all was well, but doubted she believed me. I might not be able to hide my now-protruding collarbone and bony elbows, but at least no one knew about the constant weakness in my body... or the concern I felt over how loose my teeth had become.
Much like my stomach, the void in my soul was begging to be filled. For so long, I had been searching - longing to be shake the clouds of abandonment and rejection that hovered over me. I couldn’t let this area of my life go - this eating issue. Too many times I had suffered from the failures of others and I cherished the power I now held in my hands. The power to control at least something in my own life!
I wrinkled my nose at myself and vowed to continue with my newfound regimen. I could do it!
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Taking Control
Part 4
Webster’s dictionary declares that “control” is to have power over. Looking back to that time of my life brings that word to me time and again.
Control.
So much loss had been mine. At such a young age. At such a high cost. And a shattered world was all I had left as I watched Jack begin relationships with other girls while I still called him ‘mine’.
Anything to make him stay.
The little girl in the garden watched me. I saw the pain in her eyes, knowing she knew the panic I felt.
I hadn’t been able to make Daddy stay, and now, Jack was also slipping from my grasp. Fear ran rampant through the hallways of my mind, torturing me at every turn. In a world where chaos was the rule, I desperately needed some peace. Some control.
I found it staring back at me on my dinner plate one evening.
My body was changing, and I couldn’t say I liked what I was seeing. Though I was tall and willowy, I feared Jack would find my still-growing body thick and unattractive. I pushed the mashed potatoes aside, claiming to be full. After only a small helping of asparagus and a slice of chicken breast, I mentally patted myself on the back for the restraint I had shown.
One day followed another, and I continued to show self-control at mealtimes - though my portions became increasingly smaller. Soon, I could see the results of my efforts while standing before the bathroom mirror. I tapped my fingers over each rib, much like the keyboards of a piano and smiled. In my opinion, I was looking better everyday!
There were still some problem areas though. I could pinch the skin together on each side of my hips and stomach. And a little under my biceps.
I furrowed my brow. I couldn’t deny the other changes I was seeing as well. My once-thick locks of hair had noticeably thinned. My mother worried over the changes she was seeing. I reassured her that all was well, but doubted she believed me. I might not be able to hide my now-protruding collarbone and bony elbows, but at least no one knew about the constant weakness in my body... or the concern I felt over how loose my teeth had become.
Much like my stomach, the void in my soul was begging to be filled. For so long, I had been searching - longing to be shake the clouds of abandonment and rejection that hovered over me. I couldn’t let this area of my life go - this eating issue. Too many times I had suffered from the failures of others and I cherished the power I now held in my hands. The power to control at least something in my own life!
I wrinkled my nose at myself and vowed to continue with my newfound regimen. I could do it!
I knew I could!
Tossing my makeup back into the bathroom cabinet, I bypassed the kitchen and headed off to school. I was happy. I liked the progress I was seeing. In just a few months, I promised myself, my body would be perfect. Absolutely perfect.
And Jack and Daddy? They would be so proud of me!
TO BE CONTINUED
Note: Through the following weeks, we will walk through "Hannah's" journey as she continues to search for acceptance and meaning in her life and her story will conclude on June 10th at Firm Foundation Ministries - my home church. Hannah will be coming to reveal her true identity as well as testify to the grace of God in her life.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
And Jack and Daddy? They would be so proud of me!
TO BE CONTINUED
Note: Through the following weeks, we will walk through "Hannah's" journey as she continues to search for acceptance and meaning in her life and her story will conclude on June 10th at Firm Foundation Ministries - my home church. Hannah will be coming to reveal her true identity as well as testify to the grace of God in her life.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Love... at a Cost - Hannah's Story Part 3
Hannah's Redemption Story
Love... at a Cost
Part 3
“You... are... precious... in God’s eyes!”
I fidgeted slightly, wishing the folding chair beneath me wasn’t so hard.
“God made you! And He loves you!” The youth pastor spoke slowly, enunciating each word as though speaking slower would more easily convince the roomful of teenagers of the truth within his words.
I liked what he was saying.
And I liked that about God.
Yet, before I even allowed the pleasure of knowing that there was an Almighty God who loved me settle into my spirit, I reminded myself of the fact, that not only was He almighty - He was also all-knowing.
I dropped my head in sorrow... in shame. Sitting next to me, my boyfriend fidgeted with a hole in his jeans and I wondered if Jack felt the same burden of sin in his own heart. I sighed and turned away.
I could see the moon rising beyond the row of trees through the window. Night was falling and it’s inky black matched the darkness I felt deep inside. It had been a night not unlike this several months ago when Jack had first looked my way. His smile sent shivers through my core, turning my long, gangly legs into pillars of not-quite-set gelatin. I warmed in his presence, giggling at his silly attempts to impress me.
Jack had been so sweet to me. He laughed at my jokes and shyly complimented me on my smile. He arrived at youth group early and always saved me a seat next to his own. I would watch dreamily as he read his Bible and took part in discussing our Sunday School lesson.
Later, in the privacy of my bedroom, I would smile at the memory. I hugged my knees to my chest, unable to push back the waves of joy that refused me sleep. How blessed was I? Could it be that God in His compassion over me - a lonely, broken girl, that He had led me to the man of my dreams already? I was barely a teenager, and yet, I knew... I knew. Jack and I would be married one day. I knew it in my spirit.
Hugging my pillow to myself, I lay staring into the darkness. It wasn’t until I heard the mantle clock in the living room announce the coming day with two resounding gongs that I drifted slowly off to sleep.
“Let’s turn over to 1 Corinthians.” Pastor Mike’s voice startled me out of my reverie and I sat up straighter. Grabbing my Bible, I began flipping towards the back of the book, hoping no one had been able to read my thoughts from a moment before.
“1Corinthians 3.” Pastor Mike paused for a moment. “You know, most of you here have probably read John 3:16 many times already. Perhaps you’ve even memorized it. But here in 1 Corinthians, you’ll find another 3:16 reference that will save you a lifetime of heartache - as long as you apply it to your life.”
I flipped to chapter three and slid my finger down to verse sixteen.
Pastor Mike began reading, “Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?”
I froze.
Please don’t let him say what I think he’s going to say! My heart began racing and the palms of my hands felt hot and cold at the same time.
“We’ve talked about purity before, haven’t we? This verse of Scripture is here to remind us that as Christians, we have Christ living within us!” I nodded along with the other kids in the room, while hoping no one could hear the throbbing that filled my senses, or the ringing in my ears. Pastor Mike leaned forward in his chair, “So, if Christ lives within us, then we need to ask ourselves ‘what kind of dwelling place does God deserve?’ If we fill our lives with impure thoughts and actions, then we are destroying the temple that God gave us. The temple that He designed for us to use to bring glory and honor to Him.”
Jack sat stone-still beside me, and I wondered if he even cared about what 1 Corinthians 3:16 was telling me.
I wondered if his throat was filled with the same burning pain that filled mine. Or if he was sorry for what we had done. Or if he had any regrets. Or if he... I starred at my hands... or if he even cared.
Falling in love had been so easy. The wounds on my heart, left by the memory of red tail lights disappearing in the night, had been soothed by Jack’s adoration. I had promised myself to remain pure, but compromise followed compromise until I had convinced myself that this was right and good.
Jack... Jack was here.
And, he wanted... he wanted me!
He loved me! Me! The girl who so desperately longed to be loved.
Jack and I would be together forever - I was sure of it. So why, why shouldn’t I let him see how much I truly loved him? The little girl in the garden reminded me of the terrible price I would pay if I didn’t measure up. She cried out to me in that moment of decision, and I... I believed her. I had to prove my love! I needed to do all I could to keep Jack from walking away.
And so, on a cold night in the fall when I was just fourteen, I gave Jack everything.
Everything.
Note: Through the following weeks, we will walk through "Hannah's" journey as she continues to search for acceptance and meaning in her life and her story will conclude on June 10th at Firm Foundation Ministries - my home church. Hannah will be coming to reveal her true identity as well as testify to the grace of God in her life.
I invite you to come, as I know you will be able to appreciate the life that Hannah now lives. She is an amazing person who inspires me daily! Hannah's story conclusion will be posted here as well.
Please feel free to share this link with others. As I've listened to Hannah tell me her story... as I write these words, I am struck over and over again at the importance of father/daughter relationships. I began this series, praying it would encourage young women - teenage women... that it would help them find their value in Christ alone. But the more I listen, the more I write, the more I realize the lesson in here for fathers as well.
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to Walking on Water (top right corner), and plan to join us each Monday as Hannah's story continues to unfold.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Red Tail Lights - Hannah's Story Part 2
Hannah's Redemption Story
Red Tail Lights
Part 2
Despite my best efforts that day in the garden, it hadn’t been enough.
Daddy had come that night.
He ate in silence, hardly noticing my glowing report card nearby... or me, for that matter. When dinner was finished, he gathered his belongings. I stood, mute, at the foot of his bed, my mind racing for the words to speak.
What more could I do?
It wasn’t until daddy’s red tail lights disappeared into the darkness that I allowed the first tear to fall. One followed another, and I raced to my bedroom, threw myself onto my bed and began to sob.
“He left!” I buried my head deeply into my pillow and screamed the words silently. “He left!” The wound in my heart filled my body with wracking pain. I allowed myself the pleasure of tears, but only for a moment. Suddenly, I sat up straight. The mirror across the room caught my attention and I glared at my reflection. Reaching up, I messed up my perfectly brushed hair until it frizzed out on either side of my face.
My carefully chosen shirt now brought me anger and I yanked it off quickly, shoving it under the bed.
He had left!
The garden hadn’t been enough.
My grades hadn’t been enough!
My perfectly combed hair... my lovely green shirt... none of it had been enough!
I stood there in my undershirt and shorts in the darkness of my room that night, staring at the little girl in the mirror. How I longed to make my father proud. To hear him say he loved me. How I wished I could hear him call me “beautiful”. A sob caught me by surprise and I fought back the tears.
I wasn’t good enough and now I knew it.
I stuck my tongue out at the girl in the mirror. The girl who had let me down. Then turning away, I climbed into bed.
That night was a turning point in my life. True or not, I claimed a new belief about myself - I wasn’t enough.
Over the years I had put two and two together, and... I knew. I knew Daddy had other women in his life, and that fact alone hurt. How I wished he could be satisfied to live with Mama and us kids. I found myself often wondering if there wasn’t something... anything I could do to make Daddy want to stay.
Despite the feelings of rejection, the years passed by with the normality of childhood. Daddy was consistent in coming to visit and I relished those moments with him. Still, nothing could ease the pain of rejection and abandonment I felt each time he drove away.
Still, his apparent lack of interest in my life did little to sway my determination to please him. I was certain there was something I could do to make him love me more.
I just had to figure out what that something was.
TO BE CONTINUED...
TO BE CONTINUED...
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