Saddle Your Donkey

Found an article I wrote a couple of years ago and realized I never posted it here.  The Shunammite woman has been on my mind lately, so maybe this article was supposed to wait until today.  Blessings! Lynette

Saddle Your Donkey

She was a master at hiding her feelings. Yes, there was likely a time she had cried at the altar just as Hannah had, but those days were long past. She had accepted her fate. She had moved on. After all, it’s safer keeping it hidden away, isn’t it? Those deepest desires we think no one knows we have.

As a woman of high standing in her community, the Shunammite woman poured herself into caring for others. When she saw a need, she searched for a way to meet that need. One day, Elisha, the man of God, passed through her town. Certain that he was hungry, she convinced him to stop at her home for a meal. Soon it became custom for Elisha to visit each time he traveled through Shunem.

Desiring to bless the man of God, the Shunammite woman asked her husband to build a room for Elisha to use each time he visited. Elisha was so blessed by this woman and her husband that he asked what he could do in return. He offered her anything – even so much as to bring a request before the king.

Her “no” was quick and sure, “I am secure and satisfied,” her smile securely in place. Elisha wasn’t convinced and discussed the matter with his servant who pointed out the Shunammite woman’s lack of children. Elisha approached her once more and promised her a son within one year.

And there it was. He had found it. He had pulled open the old, dusty, creaky door of her soul that had hidden away her deepest longing - her greatest desire. “Don’t play games with me!” she objected, shaking her head. Her heart lay bare before him, vulnerable. The man of God had met her at a place no one was allowed to go.

Hadn’t she found a way to live while ignoring the yearning in her heart? Hadn’t she long since buried this desire, convinced it would never again be resurrected? Hadn’t she even convinced herself that it was “ok”! She could live without it! This door was clearly marked “No trespassing” and Elisha had blatantly walked through and offered her the very thing she had trained herself to ignore – her longing to be a mother.

I wonder how many Shunammite women I see each day. How many of us have buried a desire so deeply, few can see beyond our good deeds, great hair and cute shoes? How many of us are such masters at hiding it away, we struggle ourselves to put a name on what “it” is? The thought of allowing anyone – even God Almighty – to see us vulnerable and longing in the deepest recesses of our heart is enough to slam the door shut forever! Could it be we’ve convinced ourselves that no one – not our friends, not our spouses, not even God alone, can be trusted?

God did indeed give the Shunammite woman a son. I’m convinced there were days where she sat watching him follow his father as he worked, smiling at the handsome boy he was becoming. Undoubtedly, she thanked God daily for blessing her – for opening up her heart and granting her her deepest desire.

But the story doesn’t stop there! Life isn’t always full of happy endings, and the Shunammite woman was about to find that out.

Perhaps she was washing dishes, or maybe preparing supper when the shouts were heard. Maybe she was there helpless to stop it when it happened. But it did. The unthinkable! The greatest fear any mother could face! The very child she had secretly longed for all those years – died.

She could have raged at God! “How could you? I trusted You! I told You my life was fine the way it was – and… and now, this? Now, I have completely lost myself in my love for my son, and You’re taking him away?”

But she didn’t.

She could have buried herself in her sorrows and given up. Turned away from family and friends with only her tears left for company. No one would have blamed her if she had.

But she didn’t.

Instead, the Shunammite woman saddled her donkey and raced off to find the man of God. Once there, she could hardly speak through her sorrow. She simply clung to him. “What’s the matter?” Elisha asked. How could she tell him what had happened? Her emotions were raw. She fought between wanting to retreat back to the dark room in her soul to giving in to the need to scream at the heavens. “Did I ask for a son? Didn’t I tell you ‘Don’t tease me with false hopes?’”

Elisha knew immediately what was wrong. Without hesitation, he raced to the woman’s home and found the boy’s cold, lifeless body. Closing the door behind him, he prayed to God. Then, stretching his body over the child, Elisha felt warmth reenter the little boy. The Shunammite woman’s son sneezed seven times and then, he opened his eyes.

Friend, our lives aren’t full of happy endings either. Too often we believe we’ve reached “happily ever after”, when in all reality, the story has just begun.

Marriages begin and we are certain we’ve attained the ultimate happiness. So, why the heartache, why the pain that so often finds us a few short years down the road?

Children are born and we rejoice at the perfection of newborn humanity. Yet, rebellion or disease can steal the joy of parenting.

Dreams grow in our hearts - hidden desires of who we want to be or what we want to do. But the realities of life crush those dreams with little to no sympathy.

What is left to do? The Shunammite woman knew the answer – she saddled her donkey! When her world was crashing down around her, she went to the very One Who could give – and take away! Her mother-heart didn’t want to settle for the latter! She had protected that desire with everything she’d had. She thought no one knew; yet God knew and He delighted in giving her this gift of a son. She wasn’t about to let him go without having her say!

You have the same option. When you find yourself crushed and broken, surrounded by broken dreams, He's waiting. He longs for you to run to Him, to cling to Him. Even when your heart is so broken you fail to find words to convey the sorrow crushing your soul. He wants to take your brokenness and breathe life into it. His desire is for you to live the abundant life He has for you!

Don’t roll over and die. Don’t let go of your dreams. He’s waiting for you to come to Him. Get up, climb out of the pit of despair. It's time to saddle your donkey!



Miscarriage - Krista's Story

I've heard from many different women about their own experiences with miscarriages and infertility.  Several touched my heart so much and have been sitting in my inbox waiting for me to post them here for you as well.

Today’s post is from Krista who has experienced three miscarriages. She and her husband, Caleb are still waiting, praying and believing for a child someday. What I found so encouraging through the words of Krista, was the trust she had in God while in the middle of heartbreak.

Her experiences remind me that God is in control and no matter what we face in life, He is there, ready and willing to give us the grace, strength and peace we need for what lies ahead.

Here’s Krista:

With my first pregnancy, Caleb and I found out I was pregnant around six weeks.  I went in for my first appointment at twelve weeks.  The doctor performed the regular checkup and then began looking for a heartbeat.  He was unable to find one and said it might be a little early.  I knew at that point that something was wrong - usually you can pick up a strong heart beat at nine weeks. 

The doctor sent me home with plans to schedule an ultrasound.  I remember laying in my bed, bawling my eyes out.  I knew something was wrong.  Caleb had to go back to work, so my mom went in with me for the ultrasound. 

The technician performing the scan said nothing due to hospital policy, but all I saw on the screen was an empty sac where the baby was supposed to be.  She sent me home and told me that the doctor would call me in the morning.   I was so frustrated!  I wanted to ask, “Are you kidding me?  You want me to wait until tomorrow for you to tell me the obvious - that my baby is gone?!”  

At that point I started getting very bitter and angry, asking God WHY? Why did this have to happen to ME?!  What did I do to deserve this?!  We went back in the next day.  Soon the doctor came into the room with the words I didn’t want to hear.  

“I have bad news,” he said.   My heart sank as he went on to tell us that the baby had died between one to four weeks.  What I had now was called a blighted ovum (empty sac).   At this point, my hormones were still telling my body that I was pregnant - even though there was no baby.  This was the cause for my continued pregnancy symptoms.  

The doctor tole me that I had two options - have a D & C procedure or simply allow my body to take care of it naturally.  I chose the latter.

A week later, I woke up early with more pain that I had ever been in in my life.  It was a long, emotional day.  Thankfully, my mom was able to come over to offer me support. 

After supper that night, I knew it was over.  We placed our baby’s remains in a little box and buried it in my parent’s flowerbed.  It was so difficult for me to let go - to say “good-bye”.  Caleb dug the hole and I put the box in and he wanted me to cover it, but I couldn't. 

Weeks past and I would find myself crying, asking God why.  It was really hard on me when I found out my friends were getting pregnant and having babies.  Oh, I was happy for them... but there was something deep down that just hurt.  It was during this time that a friend gave me a book called 'In a Heartbeat' and I found so much encouragement within its pages. 

Nine months later, February 1, 2010, I discovered I was pregnant for the second time.  I can't begin to describe the feelings that I had that day.  I was excited, nervous and scared all at the same time.  I told my dad and right away I started crying, he held me and said that everything was going to be ok.  He prayed for me and the baby's protection.  

Determined not to take any chances, I called the doctor right away.   This baby was going to go to full term!  

At my first checkup, they performed an ultrasound and to my delight we could see the baby although the heartbeat was faint.  According to my calculations, I was just over seven weeks along, yet the baby wasn’t measuring quite that big.  The doctor scheduled another ultrasound for the following week.  We left excited at the news that by the next visit we would be able to see and hear the heartbeat!  

A week later I was back.  I lay there on the table amazed at the most beautiful sound I had ever heard - our baby’s heartbeat.  145 beats per minute.  The technician printed off pictures and with a smile on her face informed us that everything was looking great!  It was music to my ears.  

I felt great over the next several weeks.  I even got to spend a week in Florida with my mom, my aunt and my grandma. I kept thanking God for this baby and felt so blessed to not be experiencing morning sickness.  

But the morning I returned home from Florida, I began experiencing the telltale signs that I was once again losing a baby. 

I fell to my knees, crying out to God,  “Noooooo!  No!  This cannot be happening AGAIN, God!   Please, please, don't take my baby!  You have no idea how bad I want this child, God.”  Tears fell down my face as I begged for the life of my child.   “I can't go through this again, God.”  But suddenly my prayer changed.  Instead of focusing on my own wants and desires, I prayed that He would give me a peace and understanding for whatever lay ahead.  I struggle to find the words for what happened next.  For in that moment, a peace entered that little bathroom where I knelt.  A peace like I’ve never experienced before.  I stood and walked out that door, a brokenhearted woman, yes, but a woman who had peace that God was in control.  

We told our family and friends that I was afraid I was losing the baby and they began praying.  I took to the couch, hoping that complete rest was the answer.  The peace stayed with me, and I felt that no matter what happened, everything was going to be ok. 

I had a lot of ups and downs throughout the following week.  The devil played with my mind so much telling me it was my fault that I wasn't keeping my babies and that I wasn't good enough.   On March 24th, Caleb took me to the hospital where another little life slipped from my body.  

I’ll never forget the moments I had as I laid there on my hospital bed - just talking to God.  That peace He had gifted me with earlier was still present and I relished in the beauty of it.  Peace like that... in moments like that... that’s a peace that can only come from Him!

As I waited for the D & C, friends and family stopped in to pray and encourage me.  Later my mom would tell me that her and my dad were amazed at my demeanor.  

“You didn’t look like a person who was going through a loss like that,” she said.   

I simply smiled, “That... that was all God! It was His peace that brought me through.” 

On our wedding day

Time went by and I continued to long for a baby.  Even now as I look back, I see God’s hand working in our lives though.  While I questioned God, wondering when He would grant me the desires of my heart.  But it was in that time that Caleb and I were able to make a life-changing trip to the Dominican Republic.  I know now that I wouldn’t have been able to go if I had been pregnant.

After we returned from the D.R., Caleb and I discussed whether we were ready.  The memories of the past two miscarriages brought a lot of “what if’s” to our minds and we weren’t always on the same page about what to do.

Through the next several months, I came to a place of needing to fully rely on God and His perfect will.  Caleb and I had finally agreed that we were ready to try for another pregnancy, but now, it wasn’t happening.  One negative result followed another and I struggled with the whispered lies of the enemy, telling me that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom... that this was somehow my fault... so many emotions!

One day I sat at my parent’s kitchen table crying my eyes out as I told them my struggles.  They encouraged me, reminding me that my life was in God’s hands.

“Ok God, its all in Your hands. In Your perfect timing it will happen.”

That November, I took a pregnancy test on our anniversary and to my astonishment, it was positive! 

We spent the day excited and happy as we celebrated this precious gift, but only six days later we were once again hearing the words that felt like a knife in our hearts.  I had miscarried once again.

Caleb and I held each other as I cried.  I remembered that peace God had given me in the previous miscarriage and I begged for His comfort once more and He graciously responded.

The Sunday morning after my third miscarriage, there was no way I was going to stay home.  I needed the comfort and encouragement of my church family!  And how thankful I am that I went.  A group of ladies surrounded me, prayed for me and whispered verses of encouragement.  

One that I cling to is this “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 

It’s been two months since we lost our third angel baby.  Since then, I’ve done some doctoring and have a game plan for the next time.  I don't know when that will be, but I know God's timing is perfect.  I believe that in His perfect timing we will have a baby.

Yes, it's been difficult and I've asked God why, why do we have to go through this for a third time? I still have my moments when all I can do is cry.  It’s in those moments that I feel God's arms wrap around me and I know our three Angel Babies are perfectly safe in His arms and one day we'll get to see them and hold them. 

NOTE:  Caleb and Krista are currently preparing to serve in mission work in Nicaragua.  You can follow their story here.

I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.  Philippians 4:13 MES

Elizabeth's Song

Several weeks ago I posted about my sister-in-law's miscarriage.  Out of that heartbreak, Elizabeth wrote a song.  Later, she was able to share it with our church one Sunday morning.

Several of you have asked to hear the song and here is the video of that morning.  You'll get to hear her testimony as well!

While you're checking out all these links, hop over to this one and read the miscarriage story of a wonderful woman named Esther.  I know you'll be blessed!

Miscarriage - Angela's Story

After Elizabeth shared her story last week, I received messages and comments from many of you.  The response was a clear reminder to me that losing a child through miscarriage is a devastation - no matter how far along you are.

Some of you shared your stories with me.  Though I personally have never experienced this kind of loss, I heard the pain in your words.  But more than that, I saw a resilience... a steadfastness... a never-gonna-let-go-of-His-hand kind of faith and I knew that these testimonies had to be shared with more than just myself.

Below is Angela's story.  She is a personal friend of mine and I've watched her walk through these miscarriages.  If you have lost a child that you never got to hold in your arms, hope that you will find encouragement in her words.

On Palm Sunday of 2010 I lost my fourth child. We were unexpectedly pregnant and only six weeks along.

We had discovered that we were pregnant after I had an ovarian cyst burst. I had spoken at my MOPS group about being content and thought that my stomach pain was nerves. I am the exact opposite of a public speaker by nature. As soon as the meeting was over I went to the bathroom hoping that my pain was just gas or something. I was wrong. I had never been is such pain and I have delivered a 9 pound baby! I passed out for the first time in my life. I fell on the tile floor, chipping a tooth and zygomatic bone right under my eyebrow. My sister was at the meeting and after being checked out by a nurse friend, we were on our way to the ER. They ran some bloodwork and decided that I was merely lightheaded because I was pregnant and sent me home. They shouldn’t have. Later that night I was in extreme pain. My husband called my mom to watch the kids and we went back to the ER where they finally managed to determine why I was in so much pain. Most ovarian cysts rupture slowly and then just go away. Mine basically exploded. Releasing all sorts of yucky things into my system. Knowing that I was going to be ok, I was done with drama or so I thought.

Two weeks later, I started to spot and then cramp and I knew something was wrong. It was Palm Sunday. We went to church and were hugged and prayed for and then went straight to the ER where we were told the baby was gone. Blood work told them that the baby had been gone long enough for all of the pregnancy hormones to be out of my system. I was devastated. I knew I would be ok. I clung to Christian music as my lifeline. It was the only thing at that time that made me feel close to God. I was angry and hurt that this had even happened but I knew that He had a purpose for this happening. I just had to learn to accept it. The next year seemed to be a constant battle to keep depression away. God has gifted me with a persistent spirit (sounds much nicer than stubborn, doesn’t it?) and I knew that this trial would pass.

February 26th 2011, we saw that faint plus sign on a pregnancy test. I was worried but excited. We had waited an extra two weeks so I was already farther along that I was when we lost the last baby. We didn’t tell people until it was obvious that I was either pregnant or dying from some strange stomach virus. We had an ultrasound at ten weeks to check on things and everything was fine. I felt the baby wiggle in April and was so happy to know that we were going to have a baby! We went to a routine appointment on Monday, May 18th. The receptionist said that our appointment wasn’t until the next day but my husband and I were certain that it was supposed to be that day. They managed to squeeze us in, a miracle in itself, and we were certain everything was fine. The doctor checked for the baby's heartbeat and couldn’t find it. He did a quick ultrasound in the office and couldn’t find it and sent us to the hospital to get a better ultrasound. The technician wouldn’t let me see the images and I knew then that there was no heartbeat. Kevin couldn’t see one either but the technician couldn’t tell us anything because she was following policy. The doctor came in and told us that he didn’t know what had happened but the baby didn’t have a heartbeat and we set up an appointment for the next day to discuss our options. We decided to have a d&c done because of my record of never going into labor on my own, the risk of infection was too great.

This is a note that I wrote on May 26th, 2011, a week after we learned of our baby’s death.

I was beyond broken just a week ago.I learned that the baby in my womb that I had felt wiggle was dead. There was NO heartbeat, the baby was too small, something had happened. My spirit crumbled into a shattered heap. I had lost a baby before but this time I was in the "safe zone." Miscarriages RARELY happen in the second trimester of pregnancy. I was almost 18 weeks but the baby measured only 15. It was so unexpected and it hurt more than I can even explain. But then, the Comforter came to me and said "Worship" and I did. With everything inside of me, I poured out my heart in song, in praise, in silence when I could no longer think and my heart cried to my heavenly daddy.

I had a modified D&C on Wednesday the 18th. I lost a LOT of blood and ended up staying overnight in the hospital and receiving THREE units of blood. My husband was terrified. I was released on Thursday and I was at peace. On Saturday, I stood up from resting because I was very very tired and had overdone it a bit that morning (my brain was in mom-mode and my house was messy...) As I stood up blood gushed down to my knees and my heart cried out to God to save me for my children's sake. I have never been so concerned for my own life before that moment. We went to the ER and it's amazing how quickly they will have you in a room when you tell them that you are gushing blood. :) The dr. came and checked me out and said that this was not as bad as it looked. (Insert ENORMOUS sigh of relief here) I had clotted up inside my uterus from doing too much that morning and when I stood up the clots moved and the blood gushed. It was scary but NOT life threatening. She took some giant q-tips and cleaned out the clots. I still was bleeding too much as far as my past experiences with having three children told me though. I was couch-bound for the rest of the day.

On Sunday, NOTHING could have kept me from church. I was like a spiritual sponge that had been squeezed and hung out to dry. When my heart broke on Monday, ALL I wanted was to be in church. I had every intention of going to church after my operation but that was not in the plan. I sat at church but I didn't want to, I wanted to dance. My dear husband let us go early so I could worship during worship practice as long as I promised NOT to do anything. I was still bleeding too much.

Worship that morning was as close to heaven as I have ever been! :) The first song was MY song for losing my babies. "Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering, thought there's pain in the offering, BLESSED be Your Name....You give and take away, my heart will CHOOSE to say, Lord BLESSED be YOUR NAME." Each song after was a love song to My Savior and about the JOY that came from Him. I was FILLED with joy.

A few dear friends came to me and prayed for healing during worship. They are each such a blessing to my soul and my dear sisters in Him. One spoke of the woman with the issue of blood. I knew how she felt bleeding everywhere all the time, that woman was on my mind ALL day Saturday and Sunday morning. I know that during worship I was touching the hem of my master's garment and that I would be ok. The bleeding nearly stopped after Sunday and I healed up just fine.

I don't understand how just a week after this tragedy that I am not only ok but I am happy and content with my life. I know that He has a plan for me and that this is a path that He has chosen for me and I must walk it for HIS glory and HIS honor. It's not about me. I'm a crumpled mess on my own but with Him I know that I can do anything!! :)

I am so very blessed to have my family there for me and not just my relatives! My brothers and sisters in Christ that have held me up in prayer are a continuous blessing into my day to day life. In this trial, I have learned one thing that I don't think I will ever forget. I am loved beyond my wildest imaginations by my Father and by those around me, that is the beauty in this stage of brokenness.

Do NOT be afraid to say that you are broken. Don't believe that you are not strong enough to get through this trial (I know I am not!) Just trust in Him and in the people that He has put into your life. They are there for a reason!!

Today is the third day of 2012 and I am exactly 18 weeks pregnant. I feel this little one wiggle every day and it helps to fight the fear of losing this child. I know that God is with me and that many of my friends and family are praying for me. No matter what happens with this child I carry I KNOW that this is all part of God’s plan for my life. I am blessed beyond my dreams with three beautiful healthy children and an amazing husband. I treasure them and lean on them on those days when I miss my lost loves.

The littlest things can make you remember what you’ve lost. The due dates are hard. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have a November 19th or October 17th where I don’t cry but that’s ok. Life isn’t supposed to be fair or easy. God put us here to further His kingdom.. This is my path, I don’t walk it alone. He’s there with me...every step...every tear...every laugh...every day.





Angela can read your comments below, or you can contact Angela and I through email.

Sidenote:  Angela is a coupon queen and recently began teaching classes to women in the area.  Read more here on her blog.

Portraits of Redemption: Elizabeth

I wonder if she sat staring out her window on warm summer days.  I wonder if sorrow clutched at her throat at the sight of yet another soon-to-be mother walking by, hand gently caressing her swollen abdomen.  I wonder if the quietness of her house was broken only by the creaking of her chair as she reached for another tissue to wipe her tears.

I wonder.

How many times did Elizabeth stare at the reflection in her dishwater contemplating her situation?  Did she struggle with self-worth?  Did she doubt her value as a woman?  As the wife of a priest?

In the day and age when a woman’s highest calling, her greatest achievement, was to bear children, and yet Elizabeth had failed!  For years, she had suffered the harsh reality of a barren womb.

Did she whisper, “What’s the point?” to herself as she set about to prepare yet another meal for two… only two. 

What days were hardest for her?  Birthdays?  Holidays?  Did she question each twinge within her body, hoping against hope that this month would be different?  Was there a box tucked away somewhere in her house where tiny clothes were kept – yet never worn?

Elizabeth is a woman to whom I’ve been able to relate.  I too, dealt with years of infertility.  How well I remember the days I spent longing for another child.   From the moment Tyler had been born, that had been my prayer – to have another baby, but year after year went by, and no babies.  Worse still, were the signs within my body telling me that something was wrong.

I’ll never forget the moment sitting on the cold examining table as a 25-year-old woman hearing my doctor suggest for the first time a hysterectomy. 

I was devastated!

Today, nearly ten years later (gulp), my life is a far cry from it was back then.  My table is full at night and the laundry pile is never ending!   I got my miracle…er… miracles!  God saw fit to heal me in what I consider to be a miraculous way!

Elizabeth got her miracle as well!

Still, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that had God’s answer to Elizabeth’s prayers… and mine… been “no”, it wouldn’t have lessened her value, or mine, in His eyes.

What I see in the life of Elizabeth is God’s redeeming love.  Something within redemption that I love so much is finding God’s perfect plan.For me, it’s so hard to wait patiently for the desires of my heart!  It’s those longings that capture my time and attention and become my sole focus in life.

I can’t help but feel that despite the ache within Elizabeth’s heart, there must have been a trust that God still had a plan for her.  Despite her barrenness, despite her age, she still had value!  I believe God delighted in granting her the desires of her heart – a miracle child, who would become the great man we call John the Baptist.

And though Elizabeth couldn’t have known from where she stood, today we can see it with much clarity.  John the Baptist was a man who needed a special mother and father - people who knew the importance of trust.  Had God given Elizabeth what she wanted right when she wanted it, “trust” would have been harder to learn.

Our value does not come by who we are or what we have or have not accomplished.  True worth is found when we gaze deeply into the eyes of the One who loves us more than life itself.   There, you will find all the love and value you could ever want or need.

The Devil’s most popular conversation with women, I believe, deals with their self-worth. Refuse to listen to his lies.  Remember the life of Elizabeth, how God created life in a barren womb.  Remind yourself of the value God saw within a woman whom many considered “too old” and trust in this fact – just as God had a plan for Elizabeth, He has a plan for your life as well!