Monday, April 16, 2012

Red Tail Lights - Hannah's Story Part 2

Hannah's Redemption Story

Red Tail Lights
Part 2

Despite my best efforts that day in the garden, it hadn’t been enough.
Daddy had come that night.
He ate in silence, hardly noticing my glowing report card nearby... or me, for that matter.  When dinner was finished, he gathered his belongings.  I stood, mute, at the foot of his bed, my mind racing for the words to speak.  
What could I say?  
What more could I do?
It wasn’t until daddy’s red tail lights disappeared into the darkness that I allowed the first tear to fall.  One followed another, and I raced to my bedroom, threw myself onto my bed and began to sob.
“He left!”  I buried my head deeply into my pillow and screamed the words silently.  “He left!”  The wound in my heart filled my body with wracking pain.  I allowed myself the pleasure of tears, but only for a moment.   Suddenly, I sat up straight.  The mirror across the room caught my attention and I glared at my reflection.  Reaching up, I messed up my perfectly brushed hair until it frizzed out on either side of my face.  
My carefully chosen shirt now brought me anger and I yanked it off quickly, shoving it under the bed.
He had left!
The garden hadn’t been enough.
My grades hadn’t been enough!
My perfectly combed hair... my lovely green shirt...  none of it had been enough!
I stood there in my undershirt and shorts in the darkness of my room that night, staring at the little girl in the mirror.  How I longed to make my father proud.  To hear him say he loved me.  How I wished I could hear him call me “beautiful”.   A sob caught me by surprise and I fought back the tears.
I wasn’t good enough and now I knew it.
I stuck my tongue out at the girl in the mirror.  The girl who had let me down.  Then turning away, I climbed into bed.
That night was a turning point in my life.   True or not, I claimed a new belief about myself - I wasn’t enough.
Over the years I had put two and two together, and... I knew.  I knew Daddy had other women in his life, and that fact alone hurt.  How I wished he could be satisfied to live with Mama and us kids.  I found myself often wondering if there wasn’t something... anything I could do to make Daddy want to stay.
Despite the feelings of rejection, the years passed by with the normality of childhood.  Daddy was consistent in coming to visit and I relished those moments with him.  Still, nothing could ease the pain of rejection and abandonment I felt each time he drove away.
Still, his apparent lack of interest in my life did little to sway my determination to please him.  I was certain there was something I could do to make him love me more.
I just had to figure out what that something was.


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