Shay's Story

I came across a story I wrote in one of my writing courses.  The characters come to my mind from time to time and, although it's fiction, I find myself wondering what happens to Shay.  One thing I've learned with writing, is that you don't always know how the story ends.  Sometimes the characters take you places you didn't expect to go.

I'm working on another "Redemption Story" right now, but maybe sometime down the road, I'll get back to trying fiction again.  We'll see.  :)  For now though, here's a portion of Shay's story.

Shay

Was it the sunlight that awoke her, or, perhaps was the buzzing of a housefly dancing around her nose?  Shay twitched her head in an unsuccessful attempt to chase it away.  She blinked and slowly opened her eyes.  The couch beneath her was comfortable enough – as long as she could ignore the coarse fibers of the upholstery pressing criss-cross lines into the bruise on her cheek.

The fly returned, landing on her lip.  Shay blew out a puff of air and it moved to her forehead.  Annoyed, she reached up to flick it away.  The simple movement took her breath away and she gasped in surprise at the intense pain along her rib cage.  Tears flooded her eyes as memories from the night before filled her senses.  She could still hear the cries of her little girl through the bathroom door.

She had knelt outside the door, clawing at the wood until her nails bled, begging Brett to stop.  Offering him anything… anything he wanted if he’d only open the door.  He had stopped.  The door opened, stepped over her as he dropped their whimpering daughter into her lap.  Shay scrambled up and pulled the bathroom door shut behind her and Faith – locking Brett out.  Clutching her daughter close, Shay climbed gingerly into the tub where tears streamed down both their faces as they clung to one another.

Hours later, after she had laid a sleeping little girl in her crib, she tiptoed out to the living room – hoping to sleep on the couch.  But he was there.  Waiting.

The beating lasted longer than most and Shay wondered if she’d live to see the light of morning.

Now with a dull ache throbbing between her ears and the sickening taste of blood in her mouth, Shay eased slowly into a sitting position.  Baby James whimpered beside her and she wondered how he had gotten there.  Brett must have brought him to her before he left last night.  She shook her head, angry at his apparent kindness after such insane abuse. 

“I don’t understand you, Brett Anderson!”  A lump filled her throat, expanding until her ears hurt and a searing pain burned deep in the core of her spine.  Raking her fingers through her hair, Shay spat the words towards Brett’s empty chair, “I do not understand you!”  Her words were low and guttural and they grated on her ears.

Sliding off the couch wasn’t easy.  She was having a hard time seeing through her right eye, and the constant pain in her ribs kept her whole body tense.  Baby James stirred slightly and Shay held her breath.  “Not now, baby boy.”  A sob caught her by surprise, “Not now.”  The very thought of him latching on to her breast and nuzzling his head against her ribs was painful.  “Just give me time to shower, baby!”

The peaceful scene of the sleeping baby beside her defied every emotion pouring through her soul.  Such trust.  Such innocence.  So free of the pain this world had yet to offer.  Still untouched by the anger of the very one whose blood ran through his veins.

Shay ran her finger over baby James’ hands.  His fingernails had not yet been trimmed.  He stirred and grasped her finger, pulling it within his tiny grasp.  His skin still bore the newness of life and it made her cry.  What would these hands do?  Who would he become?  Would he use these hands to bring joy to others?  Would he be loving?  Would he be happy? 

Shay sighed and looked away.  Would he be kind?  Please, let him be kind!   A sigh slipped through her lips when she finally was able to stand.  She needed to clean herself up before the kids awoke. Soon they would gather around her bruised legs begging to be held, asking for breakfast, and fighting over Barbie dolls. 

Oblivious to her pain, Jessa and James would make their childish demands unaware of the agony within their mother’s broken body, while Faith would likely need comfort and more assurance than Shay was able to give. 

Leaning against the wall for support, Shay limped towards the bathroom.  As her hand slid along the wall in the hallway, it bumped against the cold hard edge of a picture frame.  Shay froze.  She knew what it was.

Turning, she stared into the eyes of a younger Brett and Shay.  She remembered the moment that picture was taken.  The way his face felt against her cheek and how handsome he looked in his tuxedo.  Shay reached up and touched her face.  Her fingers left little round circles on the dust-covered glass.  Even now, her bridal gown took her breath away.  How happy she had been.   No, not happy.  Just naïve.  Or stupid. 

The pain shooting through her side and loneliness clawing at her throat told Shay finding the exact word didn’t matter in light of her current circumstances. 

She needed to get in the shower.

And then she needed to make a plan.

©Lynette Carpenter 2014

What Is True Love?

My heart broke as I stood at her bedside.  So young, yet so much hurt in those blue eyes.

She had told me before about the men in her life and I wished she could somehow see the cycle of pain that she now lived.  Still… even as she lay, covered by tubes and needles, she seemed oblivious to both the sights and sounds of her hospital room… and the yawning chasm of longing I could see deep in her eyes.

An attempt to end the pain had brought her here, and though she said she’d hit rock bottom, her only focus was finding a way back to the misery that led her to a bathroom floor and an empty bottle of pills.

There’s so much more to life than this!  I want to shake her.  Wake her up to all the possibilities!  So much she could have… so much she could lose.

“Do you remember what I told you?”  My voice is soft, belying the turmoil that swirls in my gut.

She lifts tired eyes to meet mine.

“There’s someone out there for you… and I… I want you to find him… someday.  I want you to find a someone like my Tim.”

She smiles and nods as though her acknowledgement would end the speech that she knew would follow, but I went on.

“Do you know that you don’t have to settle for a man who doesn’t respect you enough to call you by your name?”

I paused, taking note of an elderly woman sitting nearby listening closely.  Oh well, let her listen.

“Do you realize that in all the years that Tim and I have known each other, he’s never called me the A, the B or the C word?  He’s never called me stupid.  He’s never called me dumb.  He’s never even said I was an idiot – even though I am sometimes!”

The woman in the corner gasped in surprise and I swung my head to meet her eyes.  

“How long have you been married?” she asked.

“Sixteen years.”

“Wow!  That’s amazing!”  She paused.  “Congratulations!”

“Thank you,” I smiled.  "But… I mean that,” my voice was gaining strength now as though somehow louder words would penetrate deeper into both the souls of young and old.  “There are men in this world who will take everything you have to give, and then toss you aside without a second thought… but then… then there are men who will love you for who you are.  He’s the kind of man who loves you without condition…  A kind of man who will love you not for what you bring into his life, but what he can offer yours!”

Both women sat silently with only beeping machines erupting the silence on occasion.

I left that room already days ago, but my mind goes back often.  

Why the gasp?  Why such shock over something that should be common? 

Young ladies, this is for you - Life doesn’t have to be like that!

There is a gift God wants to give you, and that is a man who will love you and treat you as the treasure you are.

Everything you give to the boy who makes your heart race today, is one less thing you’ll have to give to the man God is saving for your tomorrow.  And taking what isn’t yours before it is time only ends in a lifetime of pain. 

What kind of life do you want to have five or ten years from now?   Your choices today will set the course for the rest of your life.

But how will you know who that man is, you ask?

It's simple.  Fall deeper in love with Jesus… and when you find a man who loves you like Jesus does, you’ll know you’ve found the one.

Miscarriage - Krista's Story

I've heard from many different women about their own experiences with miscarriages and infertility.  Several touched my heart so much and have been sitting in my inbox waiting for me to post them here for you as well.

Today’s post is from Krista who has experienced three miscarriages. She and her husband, Caleb are still waiting, praying and believing for a child someday. What I found so encouraging through the words of Krista, was the trust she had in God while in the middle of heartbreak.

Her experiences remind me that God is in control and no matter what we face in life, He is there, ready and willing to give us the grace, strength and peace we need for what lies ahead.

Here’s Krista:

With my first pregnancy, Caleb and I found out I was pregnant around six weeks.  I went in for my first appointment at twelve weeks.  The doctor performed the regular checkup and then began looking for a heartbeat.  He was unable to find one and said it might be a little early.  I knew at that point that something was wrong - usually you can pick up a strong heart beat at nine weeks. 

The doctor sent me home with plans to schedule an ultrasound.  I remember laying in my bed, bawling my eyes out.  I knew something was wrong.  Caleb had to go back to work, so my mom went in with me for the ultrasound. 

The technician performing the scan said nothing due to hospital policy, but all I saw on the screen was an empty sac where the baby was supposed to be.  She sent me home and told me that the doctor would call me in the morning.   I was so frustrated!  I wanted to ask, “Are you kidding me?  You want me to wait until tomorrow for you to tell me the obvious - that my baby is gone?!”  

At that point I started getting very bitter and angry, asking God WHY? Why did this have to happen to ME?!  What did I do to deserve this?!  We went back in the next day.  Soon the doctor came into the room with the words I didn’t want to hear.  

“I have bad news,” he said.   My heart sank as he went on to tell us that the baby had died between one to four weeks.  What I had now was called a blighted ovum (empty sac).   At this point, my hormones were still telling my body that I was pregnant - even though there was no baby.  This was the cause for my continued pregnancy symptoms.  

The doctor tole me that I had two options - have a D & C procedure or simply allow my body to take care of it naturally.  I chose the latter.

A week later, I woke up early with more pain that I had ever been in in my life.  It was a long, emotional day.  Thankfully, my mom was able to come over to offer me support. 

After supper that night, I knew it was over.  We placed our baby’s remains in a little box and buried it in my parent’s flowerbed.  It was so difficult for me to let go - to say “good-bye”.  Caleb dug the hole and I put the box in and he wanted me to cover it, but I couldn't. 

Weeks past and I would find myself crying, asking God why.  It was really hard on me when I found out my friends were getting pregnant and having babies.  Oh, I was happy for them... but there was something deep down that just hurt.  It was during this time that a friend gave me a book called 'In a Heartbeat' and I found so much encouragement within its pages. 

Nine months later, February 1, 2010, I discovered I was pregnant for the second time.  I can't begin to describe the feelings that I had that day.  I was excited, nervous and scared all at the same time.  I told my dad and right away I started crying, he held me and said that everything was going to be ok.  He prayed for me and the baby's protection.  

Determined not to take any chances, I called the doctor right away.   This baby was going to go to full term!  

At my first checkup, they performed an ultrasound and to my delight we could see the baby although the heartbeat was faint.  According to my calculations, I was just over seven weeks along, yet the baby wasn’t measuring quite that big.  The doctor scheduled another ultrasound for the following week.  We left excited at the news that by the next visit we would be able to see and hear the heartbeat!  

A week later I was back.  I lay there on the table amazed at the most beautiful sound I had ever heard - our baby’s heartbeat.  145 beats per minute.  The technician printed off pictures and with a smile on her face informed us that everything was looking great!  It was music to my ears.  

I felt great over the next several weeks.  I even got to spend a week in Florida with my mom, my aunt and my grandma. I kept thanking God for this baby and felt so blessed to not be experiencing morning sickness.  

But the morning I returned home from Florida, I began experiencing the telltale signs that I was once again losing a baby. 

I fell to my knees, crying out to God,  “Noooooo!  No!  This cannot be happening AGAIN, God!   Please, please, don't take my baby!  You have no idea how bad I want this child, God.”  Tears fell down my face as I begged for the life of my child.   “I can't go through this again, God.”  But suddenly my prayer changed.  Instead of focusing on my own wants and desires, I prayed that He would give me a peace and understanding for whatever lay ahead.  I struggle to find the words for what happened next.  For in that moment, a peace entered that little bathroom where I knelt.  A peace like I’ve never experienced before.  I stood and walked out that door, a brokenhearted woman, yes, but a woman who had peace that God was in control.  

We told our family and friends that I was afraid I was losing the baby and they began praying.  I took to the couch, hoping that complete rest was the answer.  The peace stayed with me, and I felt that no matter what happened, everything was going to be ok. 

I had a lot of ups and downs throughout the following week.  The devil played with my mind so much telling me it was my fault that I wasn't keeping my babies and that I wasn't good enough.   On March 24th, Caleb took me to the hospital where another little life slipped from my body.  

I’ll never forget the moments I had as I laid there on my hospital bed - just talking to God.  That peace He had gifted me with earlier was still present and I relished in the beauty of it.  Peace like that... in moments like that... that’s a peace that can only come from Him!

As I waited for the D & C, friends and family stopped in to pray and encourage me.  Later my mom would tell me that her and my dad were amazed at my demeanor.  

“You didn’t look like a person who was going through a loss like that,” she said.   

I simply smiled, “That... that was all God! It was His peace that brought me through.” 

On our wedding day

Time went by and I continued to long for a baby.  Even now as I look back, I see God’s hand working in our lives though.  While I questioned God, wondering when He would grant me the desires of my heart.  But it was in that time that Caleb and I were able to make a life-changing trip to the Dominican Republic.  I know now that I wouldn’t have been able to go if I had been pregnant.

After we returned from the D.R., Caleb and I discussed whether we were ready.  The memories of the past two miscarriages brought a lot of “what if’s” to our minds and we weren’t always on the same page about what to do.

Through the next several months, I came to a place of needing to fully rely on God and His perfect will.  Caleb and I had finally agreed that we were ready to try for another pregnancy, but now, it wasn’t happening.  One negative result followed another and I struggled with the whispered lies of the enemy, telling me that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom... that this was somehow my fault... so many emotions!

One day I sat at my parent’s kitchen table crying my eyes out as I told them my struggles.  They encouraged me, reminding me that my life was in God’s hands.

“Ok God, its all in Your hands. In Your perfect timing it will happen.”

That November, I took a pregnancy test on our anniversary and to my astonishment, it was positive! 

We spent the day excited and happy as we celebrated this precious gift, but only six days later we were once again hearing the words that felt like a knife in our hearts.  I had miscarried once again.

Caleb and I held each other as I cried.  I remembered that peace God had given me in the previous miscarriage and I begged for His comfort once more and He graciously responded.

The Sunday morning after my third miscarriage, there was no way I was going to stay home.  I needed the comfort and encouragement of my church family!  And how thankful I am that I went.  A group of ladies surrounded me, prayed for me and whispered verses of encouragement.  

One that I cling to is this “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 

It’s been two months since we lost our third angel baby.  Since then, I’ve done some doctoring and have a game plan for the next time.  I don't know when that will be, but I know God's timing is perfect.  I believe that in His perfect timing we will have a baby.

Yes, it's been difficult and I've asked God why, why do we have to go through this for a third time? I still have my moments when all I can do is cry.  It’s in those moments that I feel God's arms wrap around me and I know our three Angel Babies are perfectly safe in His arms and one day we'll get to see them and hold them. 

NOTE:  Caleb and Krista are currently preparing to serve in mission work in Nicaragua.  You can follow their story here.

I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.  Philippians 4:13 MES

Titus2Woman: Rosa

Rosa Chupp has been more of an inspiration and encouragement to me than she knows.  While family ties have given us a common bond, it has been only the past several years that our relationship has gotten closer.

I wish every woman could have a Rosa in their life.  She is a constant source of encouraging words, prayer support and example of the kind warrior for God that I want to be.   Her faith is unwavering as is her willingness to listen to a God who speaks.  

I've been blessed by Rosa's phone calls, emails and chats over a cup of coffee.  She reflects God in a way that I find refreshing and delightful.  Today, I asked Rosa to share her heart in the Titus2Woman series.  Here's what she had to say:

I grew up Amish.  I have hundreds of cousins, lots of relatives, and I speak Swiss fluently.  We communicate easily at reunions and such.  I am ever so grateful for the work ethics I learned from my Amish background.  We didn’t have much but we were appreciative of what we did have and respecting others was also a part of our way of life.  Alcohol became a problem in our home and caused a lot of pain and difficulty.  Even so, my past and the choices I’ve made are the things that have made me who I am today.

When I was a young girl, about seven, my family moved to Michigan after the death of my father where we attended the Mennonite church.  My mother became a born-again, on-fire Christian at a Full Gospel meeting.  Life was changing.  Mom really changed.  She became a prayer warrior and I learned how to pray over the years just by watching her.  In her later life, she married again and I had a wonderful stepdad too.

Rosa as a young girl

I met my husband at the church.  We went to the youth meetings but there was really no interest in each other until one night when a girlfriend and I went “tooling” in an old International pickup loaded with firewood.  As we tooled around town, I saw a 66 Chevelle Supersport that I recognized.  It was Randy.  He had that car jacked up and it was really sharp!  We sped up and caught him at a red light.  I leaned out the window and yelled out to him.  He said to meet him at the Plaza parking lot.  There he asked me to ride around with him for a while and then meet back with my girlfriend later.   But later, my friend was nowhere to be found so Randy took me home.  That night we sat on our dining room floor playing 45 RPM Supreme Singles until 4 AM.  This past August, of that year we were married and I have been Mrs. Chupp for forty years now.



An interesting side note about my husband – Randall Ray Chupp was born in a garage in Ethiopia where his parents were serving on the mission field.

I worked for the Centreville school for a little over twenty-eight years.  I retired a year from this past May.

Our first child was Rodney Dale.  He was adorable but was colicky and developed many allergies that caused bronchitis and pneumonia many times.  One of those times, we almost lost him.  I took him to the doctor.  The doctor told me there was nothing wrong with him and that I was just a new Mom and over worried.  I knew he was very sick and said I would not take him home like that so the doctor sent us over to the hospital.  My baby stopped breathing there. They got him breathing again and sent him to Kalamazoo in a special care unit vehicle with a doctor and me.  To me, Rod is my miracle baby. 

Rod, Tammy, Christopher, Rebecca and Justus

He has continued to have to deal with allergies throughout his life but he is victorious.  He married Tammy Nusbaum and they have a wonderful family.  Rod is part owner of Chupp Insurance along with his Dad.  They also own Sturgis Auto Wash.  Tammy is an RN and works at Maxim Healthcare.  Their first child, Daniel, died at 13 months due to an accident with a vehicle.  That was the hardest trial we’ve ever gone through as a family.  God’s grace has been sufficient.

Their next child is Christopher.  He is sixteen, a junior in high school, taking pre-college classes and he works at Chupp Insurance whenever he has a break from school.  He has a heart for the Lord and compassion for others and he is extremely handsome and special to his grandparents.

Their next child came as a beautiful little girl with gorgeous blue eyes.  She is Rebecca, age fourteen. She is an outstanding young girl that is capable of cooking, baking, cleaning, etc…  And she has a love for God.  She loves to go shopping with Grandma and enjoys have a special coffee with her.  The older she gets the more beautiful she becomes, inside and out.

Justus is their third child.  His is twelve, a sixth grader and a jack-of-all-trades.  Justus can just figure things out.  He’s a delight to have around, handsome, helpful, and a deep thinker too.  He likes to cook and is a people person.  He also likes to spend time with his grandparents and we all enjoy him.

All three children are involved in sports and they love it.  Their parents are proud of them.  Rod has a wonderful family.

Our daughter, Raushell Rose, was born about five and a half years after Rod.  Shelly was a beautiful baby.  Her affliction was ear infection of which she had many.  She was on meds a lot.  I wore cute little bonnets on her a lot to protect her ears.  As she grew older, she outgrew the ear infections.  She was a soft-hearted, sensitive and happy child and has grown into soft-hearted, sensitive, and happy woman.  

Shelly and Matt

As a youth, she and her brother were very active in youth group at church.  Consequently, the youth were at our home a lot.  Rod and Shelly were always close in spite of a few years age difference.  We have been a close family.

Shelly is married to Matt Gingerich – a match made in heaven, and they are very happy with their dog Stewart.  Shelly is a supervisor at Grace Health Care where she is putting her RN to good use.  Matt is part-owner of Five Star Investments.

When the children were little, we didn’t have many costly outings.  On Sunday afternoons we would often go to the Three Rivers Park.  We would take bread and popcorn along and feed the animals.   Another thing we liked to do was go to the lake and at home I used to have picnics with them in our front yard under a big tree.  Those were happy times.

The Chupp Family

My goal as a young mother was to do what’s best for my children.  To me, that meant serving the Lord.  My husband and I were not on the same page though.  Happy times became hard times when my husband was drawn away.  He was a truck driver and his interests were being drawn away from me and the family.  It was a devastating time for me.  I was a leader of women’s meetings at church.  I was involved in other things there and at the same time feeling like a failure and a hypocrite.  I was teaching others, but my own life was falling apart.

I sought help from my pastor and his wife.  It was humbling.  He advised me to stay involved and keep doing what I was doing.  I kept things up with the children the best I could.  I never talked negative or bad to them about their father.  I wanted them to respect him.   I often prayed that God would protect them from any memories that would harm them.  I had some godly friends that helped me too, still, life was hard at that time.

My husband didn’t want counseling so I went alone and got it for myself.  Eventually, after some deeply serious conversations, he decided he would get counseling too.  It was not easy.  I learned that before healing can take place, there had to be forgiveness.  That is not easy either, but it is a choice that I made.

I also learned that communication is necessary.  Communication does not mean I have to know every detail, it means we must understand each other.  It was explained to me that knowing more painful details would not be beneficial.  It took months and months of counseling to get through that time.

We were advised to have a date night once a week.  That was hard too, but we did it and still do.  It’s not hard anymore!  A date night does not mean doing something that costs money necessarily.  It’s about spending time together.

Another choice we were advised was to make was to pray together.  That doesn’t come naturally either but it eventually brings an intimacy into your life.  We still pray together.

The enemy had a plan to end our marriage and affect our children.  Through choices, getting counseling, following advice, and being willing to humble ourselves, God restored our marriage and kept our family whole.

When I look back I just want to give thanks for the pastors who are truly shepherds and give godly advice to families in trouble.  I also had Godly friends and family members that stood with me and helped me go God’s way.  If I were to give advice, I would say that the choices you make will determine your future.  Choose God’s way.

What the enemy means for evil, God means for good.

Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Today our children are grown and strong in the Lord.  They are involved in their church, their communities, and they love God and family with all their hearts.  We have come through the empty nest syndrome with joy.  We have a wonderful marriage, we communicate, we support each other, we serve God together, and we laugh a lot.  Praise God!

Randy and Rosa today

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If you are struggling in your marriage, email Rosa and I.  We would love to pray for you!